Sex at Oxbridge

Reunited with the Great Dane

2012-01-03T22:07:00.000Z

For context on the below story, you can read the history of Dane and I here: http://oxbridgesex.blogspot.com/2010/05/dane-great.html

One Month Ago:

I opened up my email and my eyes went directly to the subject of an email facebook had sent me.

Dane has sent you a message on Facebook.

I had sent him a message ages ago for his birthday and the day prior to his message had sent him a link to something funny I had found which reminded me of him. I hovered the arrow over the email.

Open.

[My name],

You are and have always been SO FUNNY! But first of all, I owe you a big apology for not getting back to you for a very long time. So, seriously, I'm sorry, REALLY, REALLY, ESPECIALLY, EXTRODINARILY, sorry. I'm really just a lazy fool who is constantly preoccupied with himself and can't ever find the time to write to those who love him and those whom he loves, like you. So, if you'd forgive me, I'd like to reconcile our distance and my lack of communication with this message, never too late.

I paused and re-read his introduction. Was this a joke? Who says things like that? I momentarily wondered if this was a step in some kind or rehabilitation process or something to that effect. Curious, I read on.

He wrote about where he was and what he was doing before going into more existential topics.

There's so much life here, so much going on, so much trash and beauty all at once. I've experienced a rainbow of emotions since being here, from nostalgia to joy, sadness and angst to weightless hope for the future. I'm discovering that the source of all my angst is an aversion towards responsibility. For some reason, I'm running from it, looking for a way out, for something else to do before I must commit to anything. It's bizarre, or completely normal, I'm not sure. But it's happening, and I'm aware of it, which is good, but it also means that I have to do something about it. Because if you know that something is happening but do nothing to change it, there's a problem. So, that's where I am now, struggling with a perceived sense of obligation to do something both for myself and for others, and I think what I’m doing now satisfies those requirements.

But enough about me. How are you? I just watched that little scene you sent me. Kind of weird, but you and everything you send me never fails to make me laugh. I think I heard that you’re in London and I should be passing through there when I’m home for Christmas. I would love to see you. Give me a quick update when you get a chance, and I won't be mad or surprised if I don't hear from you in a while...

Love,

Dane xxx

I had no idea what to think. I closed my laptop and got up to go for a walk to the shop.

As I wandered through the aisles of Waitrose I couldn’t help but think about Dane. I hadn’t seen him in two years. I had only spoken to him sporadically. Only once on the phone, and every now and again by email or facebook.

Pouring a glass of wine once I was home, I contemplated my response. I sat down in front of my computer once more and after a healthy sip of Pinot Grigio I began typing.

Dane,

I live to hear your fabulous laugh, it’s probably one of my favourite sounds in the world. So I’m glad that you find me so amusing.

Your apology really isn’t necessary. In the grand scheme of things I’m hardly a role model for the best friend/daughter/student of the year and am well aware of the feelings you’ve expressed. The polarising effects of my selfishness happen rarely, as I’m happy most of the time, but I am constantly reminded of the different ways in which my life could have gone. In the end, though, you have to trust that everything happens for a reason and that wherever you are is where you’re needed or meant to be. That said, where are you? I’ve rooted myself in London and will be going home for a week during Christmas, so still not very far from London, and would love to see you as well. Sounds like we’ll finally be in the same city again just when you need me. Well, not that you need* me per se, but I think that it’s interesting that our relationship has had a bit of a diamond shaped path in that we were so similar when we first met and then it seemed like the last time I saw you we were at the peak of being as different as possible, and now we have come back around. You’re probably the male version of me, universally speaking. I can’t stay put for too long in any given place, so I definitely understand your aversion to commitment. I don’t like the idea of settling down, and actually don’t see any need to. It could just be that I’m attention-challenged, but I really find it difficult to focus on any one thing for too long.

Enough rambling! This is far too serious for facebook! I am so happy that you’re going to be near to me and I can’t wait to see you.

Again, you really don’t need to apologise. You know that I’ll always love you – so you’re stuck with me forever! I really hope that we can catch up. What’s your mobile number?

I miss you and look forward to seeing you soon.

Love,

Me xxx

I pressed send, responding via email then went to facebook to double check that there weren’t any typos (as you do), only to find that it was formatted strangely and not at all symmetrical, as it appears above. Frowning, I started typing again.

PS: I have no idea why that message is formatted the way it is. I initially responded via email but having just seen it on facebook it looks all kinds of crazy. Apologies.

Not expecting a response any time soon, I went back to my wine and 4oD. About an hour later I was taking a break to peruse facebook and the message box was lit bright red with a number one in the centre. I clicked on it and Dane had written me back. I raised my eyebrows and opened the message.

Haha, that it does. Just like you – a little ball of crazy!

It's no surprise that you did well on your final exams [sidenote: details of my exams and other such boring personal details from previous correspondence were not included in my cut and paste job] because you express your thoughts and ideas so well. I agree with everything you say, and I too have aggressive career/ life path attention deficit. I think that's common for our generation too. Many young people aren't sure what to do or how to do it, but I think we all want to prioritise life over work. Can't go wrong with that, surely? So what if we're all broke and living with mum and dad at age 30! We will be living life in the moment!

My mobile is 07xxx xxxxxx. Call it anytime once I’m in London and see what happens...

;) xx

I laughed. I left it for the evening and went to bed. I woke up the next morning and re-read his message over coffee. I began typing my response.

I think that you've known me long enough to know that I am most definitely a big ball of crazy, and a bit awkward as well. Like you!

I have the gift of eloquent blagging, yes. Kidding, I did mean everything I said but kind of wish I hadn't come up with 'the polarising effects of selfishness' because I woke up at six this morning thinking about that. For about 5 minutes. Then went back to more important thoughts about myself.

I most definitely prioritize life over work. Which is why I’m doing what I’m doing, but I'll tell you all about that when I see you. I like the "call it and see what happens" . . . sounds like a sexy riddle.

Another side effect of the my writing style is that I write essay-length messages and emails. I'm very impressed with your prompt response, though! Almost makes me optimistic that people CAN change. Not that I want you to change - I like you just the way you are (and yes I heard that song in my head as I was typing those words).

Can’t wait to see what happens when I call your mobile xx

After some weeks had passed and the date on which he was meant to arrive had come I texted him.

I hope you made it to London alright. Hopefully we can have a catch up soon xx

Five minutes later my mobile rang.

‘Hello.’ I said in a quasi-sultry voice.

‘[My name], it’s [his name].’

I laughed. ‘I know. My phone gives me this information.’

He laughed. ‘Right. So … how are you?’

‘Good. I’m very good.’

‘I’m glad.’

‘And yourself?’ I asked, mindlessly pacing the room.

‘I’m doing quite well actually … I would love to see you, are you free at all this week?’

‘I am. I’m in London all week, then at home for the weekend. Then back again after that.’

‘Well, I’m free on Friday evening, will you still be around?’

‘Yes. I will still be in London.’

‘Excellent, I’ll call you that afternoon.’

‘I look forward to that.’

I could hear his smile through his voice. ‘Great. See you soon.’

‘See you soon.’

I put my phone down. Pursing my lips, I thought for a moment. Maybe he’s gay.

‘Well it would make sense.’ Charlie said into the phone. I called her after I got off the phone with Dane. She, more than anyone else, knew of what I had been through with him.

‘Really?’

‘I always kind of thought he could be. I mean, aside from the two of you sleeping together all that time.’

I exhaled. ‘Well I suppose there’s only one way to find out.’

‘Let me know what happens.’

‘He better not be gay.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because I want to marry him, that’s why!’

She laughed. ‘Oh, yeah. That.’

‘Minor detail. I’ll casually drop it into conversation around our third drink. “Oh, and by the way …” Should go over well I feel.’

‘Well, let me know how that goes.’

‘You know I will. Are you still coming down this weekend for the party?’

‘I haven’t missed it since I’ve known you, so of course.’

‘Amazing. Can’t wait to see you! I’ll call you after the date with Dane.’

‘Please do. Good luck.’

‘Ta. Love you.’

‘Love you, too.’

Two days later I was sitting in my kitchen when my phone buzzed. It was Dane.

May I buy you a drink this evening? Xx

I wrote back immediately.

Why yes you may, where shall I meet you? xx

Fantastic. Meet me at the Parsons Green tube stop at 5 xx

At 16:55 my train arrived at Parsons Green and I walked to the street. I pulled out my mobile and texted Dane.

Where exactly are we meeting? xx

My phone buzzed a moment later.

The White Horse. I’m running a little late, of course. Be there in 15 min xxx

Naturally. I’ll meet you there in 15 xxx

It was the first time I was on time for something in quite some time, so I suppose it was karma. I played it off as if I wasn’t there yet as to not come off as a total keener. Twenty minutes later I texted Dane again.

I’ve found the pub. I’m outside xxx

Coming! Xxxx

Without any sort of brain to phone filter I replied immediately.

That’s what she said xxx

Five minutes later I saw a tall figure running across the street from the tube station. Dane saw me and crouched down as if he were sneaking up on me and pretended to hide behind a sign which held a sign with parking directions and restrictions. To no avail, as he is quite a bit larger than said pole. He peeked around it and laughed as he saw me laughing at him and ran to me.

‘Hello!’ He said, lifting me up and spinning me around as he kissed my cheek.

‘Hi there.’ I said, face to face as he was still holding me about a foot off the ground in his arms. Looking each other in the eyes, I added. ‘I’ve missed you!’ And pressed my lips to his, as they were at a convenient distance.

He squeezed me as he kissed me back and after I pulled away he said, ‘I’ve missed you as well!’

He put me down and we went inside. Within minutes we were speaking as if we had seen each other just the day before. He told me about his travels and where he was now living and I told him about life in London.

‘Your message on facebook was very out of the blue.’ I said, finally.

‘It was definitely time though.’

‘It sounded a bit like something a recovering alcoholic would write.’ He laughed loudly, throwing his head back to allow it to echo through the room. ‘I mean, I sat there reading it and thought, “If this is him trying to come out I’m going to be very upset.”’

He laughed harder, then looked at me, still smiling from laughter. ‘I’m not gay.’ He said, shaking his head as he said it.

‘Well that’s a relief, it would have made you fathering my future children a bit awkward.’

He laughed again. ‘Is that the plan then?’

‘It is.’ I said, winking.

‘I like that plan.’ He said, smiling.

‘Well I mean, if you’re not gay by then.’

He laughed. ‘Just because I’m a nice guy, doesn’t mean that I’m gay.’

I inhaled sharply through my teeth. ‘Ooh, would we call you nice?’

‘Oh come on, I’m nice.’

‘You are now, but I wouldn’t want to be around you during a famine.’

‘That is true. I get very upset when I’m hungry.’

‘I know this. You told me. And then I just thought, “Why in the world didn’t he tell me that sooner?” If all it took to calm you down was a meal replacement bar it could have made our relationship much easier having known that fact.’

He smiled. ‘You’re amazing, you know that.’

‘Yes, I do.’ I said, sipping my drink. He chuckled. ‘So, are you seeing anyone?’

‘In fact I am.’ I raised my eyebrows. ‘But I have quite the predicament. Maybe you can help me.’

‘I’m sure I can. Dump her and date me instead. Problem solved.’ He laughed. ‘I’m kidding. Go on.’

‘Well before settling where I am now I met a girl during my travels. I met her in Spain and she’s Danish. We’ll call her The Dane.’ (This is 100% true – he literally called this girl The Dane.)

Not ironic. At. All. Not one bit. ‘Okay, The Dane. What’s wrong with her?’

‘Well she’s coming to visit me for three weeks.’

‘And?’

‘Well I’ve started seeing someone where I am now and I think I might like her more.’

I shook my head. ‘Does The Dane think that you two are exclusive or in some kind of long distance relationship?’

‘Not at all.’

‘Then what’s the problem?’

‘Well, the girl I’m seeing now knows that The Dane is coming to visit, so if I disappear for three weeks she’ll know it’s because I’m with her.’

‘And is New Girl under the impression that you two are in a relationship?’

‘No.’

I took a sip of my drink. ‘Okay. So you like New Girl more than The Dane?’

‘Yes. Is it too late to tell The Dane not to come?’

‘When is she coming?’

‘Next week.’

‘Yes it’s too late you muppet!’

‘Would it be difficult to change her plans so that the trip was shorter?’

‘Yes. You can’t do that. Does The Dane know about New Girl?’

‘No.’

I exhaled. ‘The only option I see here is to just be honest with New Girl and tell her that while The Dane is here you’re going to have to spend all of your time with her and that the two of you have to take a break until then. Just be honest.’

‘Yeah, I guess there really isn’t any other way.’

‘If nothing else than to just avoid the pure awkwardness that would ensue if that poor Danish girl showed up and you told her that you were seeing someone else and that you couldn’t hook up with her, as she is undoubtedly under the impression that the two of you will be sleeping together while she’s here.’

‘We were intimate before, so yes that is probably true.’

‘You were “intimate”? Who talks like that? You are one strange boy, you know that.’ I said, laughing.

‘Thanks for the advice … You really are amazing.’

‘I know. You told that me five minutes ago.’

He kissed me on the cheek. ‘Want another drink?’

‘Yeah. You definitely owe me.’

‘I’m going to a party after this, would you like to come?’

‘Sure.’

‘Great.’ He said, smiling.

He returned with the drinks and we sat and chatted about uni days and laughed about our awkward virgin antics together.

‘I think you are the only guy who I know who insists on taking a shower before sex. Scratch that, before hooking up even. When we weren’t having sex you always wanted to take a shower as well.’

He laughed. ‘What? I like to be clean.’

‘I guess that’s fair enough. Though your shower with the curtain was quite frightening.’

‘Yeah, your tiny shower in college was much better.’

‘Agreed.’ We sat drinking in silence for a moment. ‘So does you having two girlfriends mean we can’t shower together then?’ He laughed. I smiled and sipped my drink. ‘Just kidding ... But not really … Or am I?’ I said, turning to him and raising my eyebrow. He laughed harder and put his arm around me, kissing me on the cheek again.

‘God I’ve missed you.’ He said, resting his head on mine.

‘I miss you too. Let’s not go two years without seeing each other ever again.’

‘Deal.’ He said, squeezing me close to him. He looked down at his watch. ‘We need to head to this party soon.’

‘Okay.’ I said, taking my last sip.

We stepped out into the brisk London air and I watched as Dane outstretched his long arm to hail a cab. ‘Shall we?’ He asked, looking down on me as the cab pulled up.

‘I don’t think I ever realised just how much you dwarf me.’

He laughed and ushered me into the cab. ‘It’s not as if I’ve grown, you know.’

‘Hmm.’ I said, settling in. ‘Maybe I’m wearing shorter heels.’ I looked down. ‘No, actually I don’t think that’s it. These make me a fair bit taller.’

‘Great story.’ Dane said, straight-faced. I punched him and he started laughing. ‘Ow!’ He said, still laughing.

We laughed all the way to the party, and as I knew no one where we were going we played the pseudo-couple and he paraded me around, introducing me to everyone. It turned out that I knew almost everyone through one or two degrees of separation and we had a wonderful time. It was getting nearer to the end of the night and I decided that I should leave. Alone. Before I decided otherwise.

‘Well, my love,’ I said, turning to face Dane, ‘I think I’m going to head.’

‘Okay.’ He said, placing his hand on my shoulders.

‘Great to see you.’

‘And you.’ He said, staring at me the way he use to before he would kiss me.

‘What are you doing for the weekend?’

He looked up and pursed his lips for a moment. ‘I don’t know. Nothing I suppose.’

‘My parents are having a Christmas party at theirs tomorrow, would you like to come? My mum would love to see you.’

He thought for a moment. ‘Sure! Why not?’

‘Great!’ I said over-enthusiastically.

‘What time is the party?’

‘I was going to leave London around five?’ I said as a question for no reason.

‘Shall we catch the train together?’

‘We shall. I’ll call you in the morning.’

‘Can’t wait.’ His hands were still on my shoulders, presumably so that he could do what he did next, which was hold me in place whilst he leaned down to kiss me.

‘Goodbye.’ I said, smiling.

‘Bye.’ He said, smiling his big, goofy grin.

I walked out and as I sat on the train, rocking with it methodically back and forth I had one thought. Well, shit.

I hadn’t wanted to go home with him because clearly the last thing he needed was more drama, but at the same time there was no change in my feelings for him. I smiled to myself at the thought of our weekend plans together.

Next Time: Dane and SAO Underneath the Mistletoe

The Weekend Trilogy: Sunday aka the Aftermath

2011-12-01T22:42:00.003Z

My left eye opened slowly, the right was still pressed into my pillow. I could vaguely see the outline of a chunky ring on my finger where my favourite ring usually sits. I blinked twice before turning my head, followed by the rest of my body and collapsing onto my back. I stared at the ceiling as it spun above me. Closing my eyes didn’t make the spinning stop either so I rolled another ninety-degrees to the left and slithered off the bed until I was somehow erect in a standing position. I clutched at my bedroom door. I wandered around the flat, searching for signs of life before finding Kate on my couch.

‘Last night.’ She began as I walked in. ‘Was. Aggressive.’

I collapsed next to her. ‘Yeah.’ I managed to say. I looked down at her hand and saw my ring. ‘Huh.’ I said. I swallowed and my mouth felt like cotton. ‘Water …’ I whispered. I looked around the room but could only see day-old bucks fizz. ‘I need water.’ I said, getting up. Kate nodded sadly. I returned shortly with two mugs of water. ‘Breakfast?’ I asked. Kated nodded again. She handed me my ring and I swapped it for her chunky one.

As we walked to the door it began buzzing. ‘Why is it making that sound?’ Kate said, grimacing.

‘I don’t know.’ I said, frowning. My phone started ringing. It was Lad Boy. ‘What?’ I answered.

‘Let me in.’

‘No, we’re coming out.’

He groaned. ‘I need to sleep.’

‘Well we need to eat, we’re coming down.’

‘Okay.’ He grumbled.

Once outside I started laughing. There was no way that I felt as bad as Lad Boy looked. ‘I. Feel. Rough.’ He announced slowly.

‘Mate.’ I slurred. ‘You look rough.’ He looked like a sad puppy. ‘Come on, drunky.’

We walked around the corner to my local to find it closed. Kate groaned. Lad Boy started walking away from us. ‘I’ll be righ –’ he didn’t finish the sentence before leaning behind a car and making a horrible sound.

‘Ugh.’ I said and Kate and I turned and walked in the opposite direction.

‘I swear he drank less than us.’ Kate said.

‘Why do I feel so bad?’ I said sadly.

‘I don’t know.’ She said, patting me on the head.

Lad Boy emerged behind us. ‘That was pure liquid.’

‘Yeah, that’s what happens when you only drink champagne and orange juice all day.’ He nodded solemnly. ‘Come on, let’s get you some food.’

He shook his head side to side slowly. ‘No food.’

‘Okay.’ I said, putting my arm around his waist and holding him up as we walked to the pub.

Kate and I went inside as Lad Boy passed out on a bench outside. I sighed heavily as I stared at the menu. ‘It smells like beer in here.’ I said, probably sounding as if I were on the verge of crying.

‘Let’s sit outside.’ Kate said. I nodded in agreement.

We ordered two lemonades and took them outside where Lad Boy was sleeping like London’s best-dressed tramp. Kate and I sat on the bench across from him at the table and let him sleep.

‘So you didn’t hook up with Kash again?’ She asked.

I shook my head as I sipped my lemonade. ‘No.’ I said, coming up for air. ‘I showed him that I have the moves like Jagger, and still … nothing.’

She laughed the heartiest laugh she could muster. ‘I think he loves you.’

Straw in my mouth, I nodded. I started laughing. ‘Remember this?’ I said, staring at her and attempting to put my straw in my mouth whilst maintaining eye contact but ultimately missing the straw and making a gaping-fish-like motion with my mouth.

Kate started laughing. ‘You literally did that all of last night.’

‘It’s hot, right?’ I said, trying to poke the straw into my cheek.

She laughed again. ‘I’d do you.’

‘Who wouldn’t?’ I said.

‘Fair enough.’

‘How hot was that rugby player I was talking to?’

‘So hot.’

‘Too bad he had a girlfriend.’ I said, sipping my lemonade like a normal human being.

‘Mmm.’ Kate said, frowning.

‘How was your date?’ I shouted to Lad Boy.

He sat up slowly. ‘Aggressively retarded.’ He moaned. ‘I spilled wine all over her flat and then passed out in her bed. Apparently I tried it on at some point as well.’

‘That is aggressively retarded.’ Kate agreed.

I nodded. ‘So no second date then?’

Lad Boy shook his head side to side. ‘I’m going to guess not.’

‘Do you want some of my food my darling?’ I asked. He shook his head again, slowly and sadly. ‘Love, you have to eat eventually.’ He made another sad face and resumed his sleeping position on the bench. Kate and I looked at each other and shrugged before finishing our brunch.

We walked back to mine and once inside collapsed onto the couch. ‘What do you want to watch?’ I asked Lad Boy, stroking his hair.

‘Don’t care.’ He grumbled.

‘Okay.’

Thus commenced an Inbetweeners marathon. Kate left after the first season and Lad Boy and I sat watching the next two seasons together back to back. I managed to get some tea in him, but by the early evening he still hadn’t eaten.

‘I need to go home.’

‘Okay, love.’

He picked up his bag and walked for the door. ‘Bye.’ He said, sadness in his eyes.

‘Goodbye darling.’ I said, kissing him on the cheek. He rested his head on my shoulder for a moment and sighed heavily before forcing himself out the door.

I closed the door behind him and went back to my sitting room. I was overcome with an immediate sense of depression and loneliness. I’m going to blame it on the alcohol as it were, as I’m pretty sure that depression is a side effect of a come down. I spoke to some people on gchat but was still filled with an overwhelming sensation of grief. My phone rang. It was Kash.

‘Hey!’ He said enthusiastically.

‘Are you drunk again?’ I asked, shocked.

‘Yah.’

‘Good Lord, man.’

‘I know.’ He slurred. ‘But I have to go back to work soon and then … no more drinking.’

‘Okay.’ I said, sceptically. ‘Well it was good to see you.’

‘You too! I’m really glad I came down. It was really, really great to see you.’

We talked about future plans to see each other and just kind of dragged on the conversation as if we didn’t want to hang up.

‘Well, hopefully see you soon.’ I said.

‘I hope for that as well.’

‘Why are you speaking like English is your second language?’ I asked.

‘Maybe it is.’ He hiccupped into the phone.

‘Nice try. I know your parents, it most definitely is not.’

‘Don’t tell them I’m drunk.’

‘It’s not like you’re 16.’ I laughed.

‘I’m lost.’ He announced. ‘I need to be found.’

‘Deep.’ I laughed again. ‘Well, just look around – there’s maps everywhere in London. Didn’t you say you were going to be near Southbank?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Can you see water?’

‘Yup.’

‘Well look for a ma–’

‘I found a map! I’m found!’ He interrupted.

I laughed. ‘Okay. Well good luck, my love.’

‘Good luck to you as well.’ He slurred.

‘Goodbye Kash.’

‘Goodbye pretty girl.’

I smiled as I hung up. I put my phone down and sighed heavily. I was alone, but I wasn’t lonely. I don’t know how to explain it. I wanted to be alone and yet I wanted everyone to be there with me. Even if we were just sitting in silence. Even if Kate were still sleeping on the couch, or if Lad Boy were slumped over in the kitchen. I felt more alone than I could ever remember. Perhaps a consequence of living in college for so long. You were never more than a minute from human contact.

My phone buzzed. It was Brix.

Just ran into Lad Boy … He looks all kinds of awful, what did you do to him?? xx

I laughed. He can blame no one but himself. How are you? xx

I’m good, mate. Let’s catch up soon xxx

Let’s xxx

Next Time: My date with Brix

The Weekend Trilogy: Saturday

2011-11-24T13:38:00.002Z

‘Is it okay if I invite Seamus over?’ Kash asked.

‘Of course.’ I said, in a “why would you even need to ask that” kind of tone. Seamus had been on Kash’s course and had absolutely killed it whilst at Oxbridge. He was a fundamental part to any social situation and brought his Irish enthusiasm to anything involving alcohol.

‘We’re definitely going to need more sparkling.’ Lad Boy said.

‘Who’s going to the shop then?’ I asked as we lounged in the sitting room, sipping bucks fizz.

Lad Boy threw his wallet at me. ‘Go for it.’

‘Fine.’

‘Cheers.’ Kash said.

Lad Boy was on my laptop making a playlist on iTunes. ‘Don’t go looking for my porn collection.’ I said. Lad Boy laughed. ‘It’s on an external hard drive, you’ll never find it.’

‘Lad.’ Lad Boy said.

‘I’m joking, by the way.’ I said as a disclaimer to Kash.

‘I got that.’ He said, winking.

I strolled to the shop, taking my time and basking in the autumn sun. My phone rang. It was Kate.

‘Heya, I’m on my way.’ She said.

‘Great, I’m just on my way to Waitrose to get some sparkling. Casual champagne brunch.’

‘Amazing. I’ve got two bottles as well.’

‘Good, I think another one of Kash’s friends is coming along.’

‘This is going to get aggressive, isn’t it?’ Kate said.

‘Doesn’t it always?’ She laughed. ‘By the way, I might have hooked up with Kash last night.’ She laughed harder. ‘I don’t know why I said, “might have” – we definitely did. I think we attempted to have sex but were too drunk.’

‘That’s too funny. What did Lad Boy say?’

‘Well at first he was a bit weird about it when he saw us kissing in the club, but now he thinks it’s hilarious.’

‘Because it is.’

‘Obvs.’

‘I’ll tell you all about it later. Well, actually, Lad Boy will probably tell you all about it.’

‘Typical. He’s such a gossip.’

‘I know!’ I said, walking into Waitrose. ‘He slept in my bed.’

‘Wait, but I thought you hooked up with Kash.’

‘I did. And then when Lad Boy came back, Kash answered the door and Lad Boy came straight into my room, saw me half naked and told Kash that he’d handle it.’

Kate laughed. ‘What?!’

‘I know. I literally was like, “So your reaction to seeing me half-naked is to get into bed with me?” And he said, “Well, I gave you a shirt first!” as if that makes it better. He was completely oblivious to the fact that I had been hooking up with Kash.’

‘It’s like he always needs to be a part of everything.’

‘He really does. Bless him.’

‘So ridiculous.’

‘How many bottles did you say you have?’

‘Two.’

‘Okay, I guess I’ll get two as well. Kash, Lad Boy and I have gone through one already. And I’ve got another bottle as well. Six should be enough for now?’

‘I like our style.’

‘I love our style.’

‘Where are you by the way?’

‘Waitrose.’

‘Hi.’ I heard in one ear and behind me at the same time.

I turned around to see Kate standing there. ‘Hello!’ I said, kissing her hello. She bent down to kiss me. Kate has model proportions, so even in wedged heels I was dwarved by her.

She held up her bag. ‘I went with Sainos … I’m not classy like you.’

‘It’s only because I have Lad Boy’s wallet.’ I said, winking. ‘Otherwise I’m all about the four-pound cava at Sainos.’

‘We should get some Bollinger or something in that case.’

‘A bit of Veuve Clicquot perhaps?’ I said, waving his wallet.

‘We should go champagne tasting in Champagne.’ Kate suggested.

‘Absolutely. Though, a bit of a mission to get around there, have you been?’

‘No.’

‘We had someone driving us everywhere, but I feel like it took forever. It would be fun though. OR we could just buy a bunch of bottles and have a Champagne-themed party here in London.’ I said, indicating towards the chilled champagne

‘Might cut down on costs.’

‘And then we wouldn’t have to deal with French people.’ Then added, ‘Major plus.’

‘You make valid points.’

‘Don’t I always?’ I said, squinting.

‘It’s a plan. Maybe we can do it for a Christmas party.’

‘I love this idea. But let’s talk about it with the boys when we get back.’

‘Yes.’

I turned back to the chilled wines. ‘Considering we’re adding orange juice to it, it probably doesn’t matter what brand we choose.’

‘No.’ Kate said, shaking her head.

‘Someone got really upset with me in France when I added orange juice to champagne.’

‘Don’t they know that it’s better that way?’

‘I know!’ I said. ‘Well, at least cava is.’

‘Truth.’ She said, grabbing a bottle as I held the orange juice in one hand and grabbed a second bottle with the other.

We went to the checkout and I pulled out some cash from Lad Boy’s wallet. I rifled through the contents of his wallet as I waited for the change and pulled out an identification card with the most comedic photo I have ever seen. ‘Oh. My.’ I said, handing it to Kate.

She burst out laughing. ‘That is amazing!’

‘I know! We need to get back and take the piss out of him forever about this.’

We walked back to mine and gossiped about how Kash was in bed. Which took all of one minute considering nothing had really happened. He was quite the kisser though.

‘Maybe you’re in love with Kash.’

‘Maybe.’

‘I think he’s lovely, he’s just too short for me. Not for you though!’ She said, enthusiastically.

‘I probably love him a little bit. He is so sweet. Too bad he doesn’t live in London.’

‘Mmm.’ Kate agreed.

We reached my place and went inside to find Kash and Lad Boy lounging on the couch together, almost in a couple-like manner. ‘Well this looks cozy.’ I said.

‘We’re well comfortable.’ Kash said.

I smirked and turned to go put the bottles in the kitchen. ‘Um,’ Lad Boy began then followed it with my name as a question. It sounded as if it were leading to something when he said a sentence that sends me into panic mode when uttered by anyone who is holding my laptop. ‘What is this?’

As he turned it around my heart pounded until I saw what was on the screen. I started laughing. ‘It’s just what I do when I’m bored.’ I said, laughing again at the ridiculous picture of me from photo booth up on the screen.

Lad Boy laughed. ‘How bored are you?! There’s literally about one hundred pictures like this. I’ve made my favourite your desktop background.’

‘Ta.’ I said, turning around, my cheeks burning with embarrassment as I walked to the kitchen. Kate followed me. ‘At least I deleted the naked ones I took with the ex.’ I said under my breath.

‘Ugh. My ex has naked photos of me. I’m always terrified he’s going to post them to facebook or something.’

‘Really?’ I asked, surprised. ‘I think an ex has a pair of my pants, but that’s the closest I can think to that. I could never take nude photos of myself.’

‘Well we were doing the whole long-distance thing.’

‘Ah.’ I said, nodding knowingly as I carefully placed the bottles in the refrigerator. ‘Well, Lad Boy has a mental snapshot of me half-naked now which I doubt he’ll ever let me live down.’

‘So funny.’

We walked in with a new bottle of sparkling and I went to the window to pop the cork. ‘Boom!’ I shouted as it popped into the air and landed presumably on someone else’s property. I poured Kate a glass and sat down on the couch with Lad Boy and Kash.

‘Where were you last night then?’ Kash asked Kate.

‘I got hammered. I was out in Fulham.’

‘Flahm!’ Lad Boy announced randomly.

‘You should have come out with us.’ I said.

‘I should have.’

‘Get lucky?’ Lad Boy asked.

‘Yeah, this guy walked me home and then by the time we got to my place I was kind of just like, “Whatever.” and invited him in. Felt almost obligatory.’

We all laughed. ‘Was it good?’ I asked.

‘It was alright. But he slept forever. I got up, showered, and starting putting together furniture before he even got up.’

‘At least you had someone to help you with the furniture eventually.’

‘He didn’t even help! He just saw me sitting there with all this Ikea shit and said, “So, I’ve got to go …” and left!’

Lad Boy laughed. ‘Gutted.’

‘What an arse!’ I said. ‘Next time just call me.’

‘Seriously.’ Kate said, sipping her drink.

‘Well she slept with Kash last night.’ Lad Boy said nodding towards me.

‘I know.’ Kate said.

‘That news is so two hours ago. What really needs to be addressed is why you came into my room, saw me half naked, and immediately got into bed with me.’

Lad Boy laughed. ‘I saw you and was just like, “Oh, Jesus. Kash, you don’t need to see this. I’ll take care of it.” and helped you put clothes on.’

‘What do you mean, “I’ll take care of it?” and “Oh Jesus”?! You make it sound as if seeing me half naked is the worst thing in the world!’

‘I’m traumatised.’

‘Kash probably saw more than you did and he’s fine. It’s not as if I look bad naked. I see myself naked every day, and quite frankly, I think it’s alright!’

‘I’m just trying to wind you up!’

‘Well it’s working!’ I said, my voice raising.

‘It wasn’t bad at all for the record.’ Kash said.

‘Thank you.’ I said, finishing my drink and reaching for the bottle. I took a sip to stop the bubbles from overflowing before saying to Lad Boy, ‘I was momentarily concerned when I woke up next to you that something had happened.’

‘Something did happen. You were all over me.’ Lad Boy said, taking the bottle.

‘Really?’ I asked, shocked.

‘Yeah. We fooled around a bit.’

‘What?!’

Kate and Kash were talking to each other and didn’t hear this side conversation. ‘Yep, had a bit of a poke around.’

‘Are you serious?’

‘Mmhmm.’

I sat back, shocked for a moment, not really sure what to think. First thought was that was perhaps the sluttiest night of my life if I had hooked up with both Lad Boy and Kash and second, why couldn’t I remember hooking up with Lad Boy? Good Lord. I thought, placing my glass down.

My thoughts were drowned out by the music Lad Boy had put on and we kept talking and laughing about nothing in particular. After about an hour had passed my anxiety returned.

‘Did we actually hook up?’ I finally asked Lad Boy quietly.

‘No.’ He said, looking at me and frowning. ‘Of course I didn’t! You were passed out.’

‘So I didn’t come onto you?’

‘No.’

‘Then why did you say I did?’

‘To wind you up.’

‘Well it worked, you freaked me out! I mean, no offence, but I would never hook up with you.’

‘I know, I’d never hook up with you either.’ He said, taking a sip.

‘Why not?’ I asked frowning.

He laughed. ‘I know too much.’

‘You pretty much know everything.’ Almost everything. I thought, thinking about Warren. ‘I made an excel spreadsheet.’

‘Can I see?’ He asked, excitedly.

‘No.’ Mostly because it had corresponding blog names next to real names. I’m compiling a glossary for the blog.

‘Come on. What’s your number up to? Have you passed me yet?’

‘No!’ I said, incredulously. His number is high. I mean, high enough that it’s a rough estimate.

‘How many?’ I told him. ‘You might pass me soon.’ He said.

‘Really?’

‘Yeah.’ He told me his number again.

‘I need to slow down. Or you need to speed up. Have you slept with anyone since the ex?’

‘Nope.’ He said, reaching for the bottle again and emptying it into his glass.

‘Are you going to?’

‘No.’ He said, frowning. ‘I pulled someone the other night, but I think I’m kind of over the whole one-night stand thing.’

I shifted my eyes slightly. ‘Uh, yeah. Me too.’

‘Lies.’ He said, nudging me.

‘No, I mean, I think I still want to keep things casual, but I’m not so much into the random one-night stand thing with strangers. I generally sleep with guys I know or guys who are friends.’

‘Clearly.’ He chortled.

‘Don’t judge me.’

‘As a rule, I don’t think you should sleep with your friends.’

‘That would leave me with no one to sleep with.’

‘Hm, true.’

‘And it’s not as if it’s awkward with me and Kash now.’

‘It’s kind of awkward.’

‘Oh, really? For who?’

Before he could answer there was someone at the door. ‘Is that Seamus?’ Lad Boy asked excitedly.

‘Do I look like a CCTV camera? Go answer the door and find out.’

Kash got up. ‘I’ve got it.’

‘Hello, fuckers!’ Seamus greeted us.

I laughed, wedging myself out from behind Lad Boy’s shoulder and getting up to greet him. ‘How are you? I haven’t seen you in forever!’

‘I know, mate. About a year now. I’m good, I’m good. Just living in London.’

‘So we’re all here now?’ Kate asked.

‘Most of us.’ I said, looking at Kash and raising my eyebrows. ‘When are you moving to London?’

‘Pfff.’ Kash exhaled. ‘Probably not anytime soon, I think the next move I make will be the states.’

‘Why?’ Kate and I said collectively in horror.

‘There’s offices in Chicago.’

‘Mate, you should try to go to New York. It’s awesome there.’ Lad Boy said.

‘Please don’t start calling all of us “dude” again.’ I pleaded.

‘Alright, brah.’ He replied.

‘I am not your “bro”.’ I said.

‘You’re definitely a bro.’

‘I suppose that’s better than Ube calling me “dudette” all the time. I swear he’s never even been to the states.’

‘No, but he pretty much will jump on any bandwagon.’ Kash said, referring to the “dude” bandwagon.

We continued to amass a collection of empty champers and cava bottles around us. Seamus added one to the pile and also made our afternoon by bringing around a large baguette and the makings for a sandwich big enough to feed all of us. After our afternoon snack we strategised about the evening.

‘I have to go to dinner at a friend’s house. You guys should come along.’ Lad Boy said.

‘You should probably find out whether or not we’re invited.’ I said.

‘It should be fine!’ He said, dismissively. It wasn’t fine.

‘Where is this dinner?’ Kash asked.

‘Central.’ Lad Boy said.

‘Wicked, maybe we can go out in Soho afterward?’ Kate suggested.

‘Could do.’ I said. ‘Isn’t there a lot of gay clubs there?’

‘Gay men love me.’ Lad Boy said.

‘That’s because you’re so pretty.’ I said, pinching him on the cheeks.

‘We can figure out where we’re going later.’ Kash said. ‘Are you coming with us, mate?’ He asked, looking at Seamus.

‘I have to meet up with friends in Clapham.’

‘Let’s go to Clapham!’ Lad Boy said.

‘We could literally go anywhere.’ I said, drunkenly stating the obvious. We were all verging on belligerent and as I got up to go to the toilet I began to notice just how drunk I was.

I had texted Millie earlier in the day to tell her to come by but she had texted to say that she had plans, but would be up for coming out later. I pulled out my phone and tapped at the screen with one finger.

Going to Clapham tonight it seems – probably near Battersea, someone has mentioned Inferno’s zz

My finger had missed the ‘x’ and made it appear as if I was implying that Inferno’s was a bit of a snore fest. She replied quickly that she would meet us in Clapham later and I immediately stored that in my short-term memory bank which went non-existent when I was drunk. I made my way back towards the sitting room to join the others, who were showing similar signs of inebriation. I collapsed in between Kash and Lad Boy and swung my legs over Kash’s right leg as I had my right arm around Lad Boy.

We managed to have a dance party in this position without actually getting up, rocking around and drinking as “Moves Like Jagger” played. I ruffled Lad Boy’s hair and said, ‘You alright, dooood?’ Imitating his ridiculous yank-influenced lexicon.

‘I’m drunk.’ He slurred. ‘And I need to go to this dinner. You guys can’t come by the way. The host just texted. Apparently it isn’t a dinner, it’s a date.’

We all laughed. ‘You dick.’ I said. ‘I can’t believe you just invited three people on your date. Are you actually going to show up this drunk?’

‘Yup.’ He said, getting up. ‘But I’ll meet you guys in Clapham afterward.’

‘No you won’t.’ I said, laughing. ‘You are going to pass out.’

He inhaled deeply. ‘That may be so.’ He said, exhaling. ‘Text me where you end up.’

‘Alright, bender.’ Kash said.

‘I’m going to go as well.’ Seamus said, getting up.

‘Booo.’ I said.

‘Sorry, mate.’ He said, kissing me goodbye.

‘Just the three of us … we can make it if we tryyy.’ I sang drunkenly to Kate and Kash as Lad Boy and Seamus left.

‘I really hope that’s not your attempt at suggesting a threesome.’ Kate said.

‘Might be.’ I said, raising my eyebrow.

‘Alriiiight’ Kash said, fist pumping the air.

I laughed. ‘But seriously, what are we going to do now?’

‘Kings Road for dinner?’ Kate asked.

‘Can do.’ Kash said.

‘Trafalgar?’ I suggested

‘Yeah, plan.’ Kate said.

‘They stopped serving my favourite cider on tap.’ I said, sadly.

Kate made a sad face. ‘Well, we should probably stick with wine anyway.’

I stood up and paused for a moment. ‘Pfff. We should probably switch to water for awhile.’

‘Yeah dude.’ Kash said, nodding slowly from the arm chair.

Now I can’t quite remember how we got there, but it was either by taxi, bus or teleportation. Most likely taxi though.

We were sat at one of the tables by the window and I turned my head towards the breeze. A bottle of wine sat chilling in front of us along with three glasses of untouched wine as we all clutched to our water. My phone rang.

‘Hey Millie.’ I said.

‘Hey, I’m in Clapham, where are you?’

I put the phone away from my face and whispered ‘Shit!’ to Kate and Kash before putting the phone back to my face. ‘Millie … I am so sorry, but I completely forgot that I told you Clapham and we’re in Chelsea now.’ I paused. ‘I’m really, really sorry.’

There was silence for a moment. ‘Well, I’m really angry right now.’

‘I know, and I’m so sorry. We’ve been drinking all day and I just forgot.’

She exhaled. ‘Where are you exactly?’

‘The Trafalgar on the Kings Road.’ I said in an apologetic tone.

She exhaled again, exasperated. ‘FINE. I’ll see you soon.’

‘Okay.’ I said. ‘I’m sorry!’

‘I know.’

I hung up. ‘Shit! You guys I completely forgot about Millie.’

‘Who’s Millie?’ Kash asked.

‘She was at Oxbridge, I don’t think you guys ever met, she wasn’t at our college. But, I told her to come meet us at my place earlier, but she was busy so she said we’d meet us out and it was just after we had said we’d go to Clapham.’

‘Shitttt.’ Kate said slowly.

‘Oh my God, I am so drunk.’ I said as a realisation. ‘I need to sober up so I’m not shit company when she gets here!’ I grabbed the jug of water and poured the rest of the contents into my glass. ‘Kash, go get more water. Start drinking water!’

Kate glanced at her glass of water and her glass of wine and poured the water into the wine, shrugging as she picked it up. ‘It counts.’ She said.

‘Good enough.’ I said, downing my glass of water. ‘We need food. Food will sober us up at all.’

‘Have you never had any kind of education about alcohol? The only thing that sobers you up is time.’

‘Yes, I know, but at least food and water can make us more coherent!’

‘Ehh, I don’t know about that, but sure. Let’s give it a go.’

‘Don’t drink any more wine, we’ll give it to Millie when she gets here and get her quasi to our level.’

‘It’s going to take a lot more than half a bottle of wine to get to our level.’ Kate said, sipping her water/wine combination.

‘Here’s your water, miss.’ Kash said, placing the jug in front of me.

‘Cheers.’ I said, pouring another glass.

About thirty minutes later I saw Millie past the window and shouted at her. ‘Millie!’ She looked startled for a moment then saw me waving frantically. She half frowned, half laughed as she kept walking towards the door. When she got inside I got up and hugged her. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘I can’t believe you forgot me!’

‘I can’t believe you don’t remember how diabolical I am when drunk!’ She laughed. ‘I am so sorry though, I would be livid if I was you.’ She raised an eyebrow. ‘We got you wine!’ I said enthusiastically, pouring her a glass.

She sat between Kate and I, and Kash was sat opposite me next to Kate. I have an incredible ability to feign sobriety when drunk, which often deceives people into believing that I should be given more alcohol. This came in handy with Millie though because I was able to actually carry on a decent conversation. The Warren-Langdon situation was still a current affair so we talked about that mostly.

‘Honestly, you have to wonder what’s wrong with both of them.’

‘I know.’ I said, sipping my water.

‘Langdon is a complete arsehole, but still it sounds like he does care about you.’

‘Actually I’m pretty sure from the way that he treats me he just doesn’t like me. I mean, that’s what the book He’s Just Not That Into You would say.’ She laughed. ‘Then again, I don’t think I like him. I’m just not that into him.’

‘Exactly. Still, shouldn’t have slept with his brother.’

‘Agreed.’

I exhaled loudly and looked over at Kate and Kash who were talking to each other. It was quite loud in the pub at this point, so I knew Kash hadn’t heard my boy drama. I leaned in to listen to what they were saying.

‘Well, really, when you think about it a donkey is just a retarded horse.’ Kate said.

I started laughing loudly. ‘WHAT are you talking about?’

Caught off guard, they both looked at me quickly in shock then started laughing as well. ‘We’re talking about the difference between horses, donkeys and mules.’

‘Why?’ I asked in a high-pitched voice that only comes out when I’m trying to suppress laughter.

They shrugged. ‘You two look like you’re really deep in conversation about something important, so it’s actually kind of embarrassing that we’re talking about retarded horses.’ Kash said.

Once I stopped laughing, I said, ‘So what next? Club?’

Kash pursed his lips and nodded. ‘Oh yeah.’

‘Millie, what do you want to do?’ I said, turning to her.

‘Whatever you guys want to do, I’m not bothered.’ She said.

‘What are we near?’ Kate asked.

‘JuJu.’ I said.

‘Is that place good?’ Kash asked.

‘It’s decent.’ I said.

‘Where’s Lad Boy?’ Kate asked.

‘Don’t know, I’ll give him a bell.’ I rang him but there was no answer. I looked down at my watch. ‘He’s probably asleep.’

‘What time is it?’ Kash asked.

‘Ten.’

Kash shook his head side to side. ‘He’s such a lightweight.’

‘He really is.’ I said. ‘Well, shall we?’

We walked down the Kings Road to the club and to the club. Once inside, deciding that Millie had been given sufficient catch up time, we all got back on it, ordering a round of gin and tonics. It was a decent night considering we had probably had enough to drink for and entire weekend before we had even left the house. We danced and halfway through the night I realised I had never been out properly with Kate before. At one point we went to get a round in.

‘We should do this more often.’ I said.

‘We definitely should.’ Kate said.

‘I mean, we’re both single, we’re both incredibly good looking,’ she laughed, ‘We could kill it.’ I had decided after her story about the guy who didn’t help her with her couch that she was potentially exactly like me.

‘Did you just become my wingman?’

‘I think I did.’ I said, smiling and grabbing two of the drinks. ‘Thursday?’

‘It’s as good a time as any!’ Kate said, grabbing the other two, and we walked back to the group.

Eventually exhaustion got the best of us and after Mille had said goodbye, Kate, Kash and I got a taxi together. ‘I should probably stay in my hotel.’ Kash said. ‘I’ve got to get up early tomorrow for the rugby final and I haven’t seen my friend all day.’

‘Have you just ditched your friend in London?’ I asked.

‘Nah, he had other friends here.’

‘Ah. Well, give us a text tomorrow when you know where you’re watching the game.’

‘I will.’

I turned to Kate. ‘Do you just want to crash at mine?’

‘Yeah.’ She nodded slowly.

The taxi dropped off Kate and I. Kash got out to say goodbye. ‘See you when I see you.’ I said, as we hugged.

‘It’s been fun.’ He said, kissing me on the cheek.

‘Bye.’

Kate and I waved goodbye to the taxi then proceeded to completely K.O. once inside.

Next time: Sunday – the Aftermath

The Weekend Trilogy: Friday

2011-11-07T13:18:00.001Z

Lad Boy walked into my flat and dumped his rucksack on a chair. ‘How you manage to be chronically early to everything is beyond me.’ I said.

‘Am I early?’

‘You said you’d be here at eight, it’s seven-fifty.’

‘Made good time, didn’t I?’

‘Yes, well I’m not ready. I haven’t even packed.’

‘Right. How committed are you to going home this weekend? Have you told your mum we’re coming?’

‘I told her earlier in the week that I would probably be coming home. Why?’

‘Just spoke to Kash [short for the dog breed Kashon]. He’s in London this weekend.’

‘That’s right! I completely forgot. Oh no.’

‘Oh yes.’

‘Oh, we can’t go. I haven’t seen Kash in months!’

‘Glad you agree, because I told him we’d meet him in an hour’

I laughed. ‘Okay, let me finish getting ready and then we can do one. Can you text my mum from my phone?’

‘Sure thing.’

‘Ta.’

As I put my makeup on Lad Boy shouted from the other room. ‘What’s the pin to unlock your phone again?’

I told him and carried on getting ready. I was beyond caring about him knowing everything about my life. He had the passwords to my laptop and phone, and the pin to my bank card. If anyone was savvy enough to figure what I did for a hobby it would be him, but to be fair, if he even glanced at my blog he would know immediately so I’m not exactly concerned with privacy when it comes to Lad Boy, especially seeing as he isn’t the type to peruse blogs or snoop around on my computer. It’s entirely reciprocal, and digitally speaking we could easily swap lives with the amount of information we have on each other, but that’s neither here nor there.

I walked into the sitting room to find him on my laptop. ‘How do I look?’

‘Amazing.’ He said, without looking up.

‘Thanks love.’

‘Mmhmm.’ He said, scrolling through a website.

‘What are you looking at?’

‘Nothin.’

I collapsed into the couch next to him. ‘Nothing, huh?’

He was browsing through his ex-girlfriend’s facebook page. ‘She can be so naïve sometimes.’

‘How so?’

He went on to tell me about a conversation he had with her earlier that day and after he was finished venting he sighed loudly and said, ‘I need a drink.’

‘Let’s go then.’

‘You look good by the way.’ He said, grabbing his coat.

‘I know.’ I said, walking out the door.

We walked to the local shop and picked up two beers for the walk to where we were meeting Kash.

‘Do you think you’ll get back together?’ I asked, taking a sip of my beer.

He took a sip and thought for a moment. ‘Yeah, probably.’

‘That’s good. I think everyone has noticed how upset you were about the breakup. It’s unfortunate when it has to be circumstantial.’

‘Well that’s just it. It’s not as if anything was going wrong, except for the timing. I think she might be it though.’

‘Well then you just hang in there, mate.’ I said, patting him on the back.

‘Until then, let’s get hammered.’

‘Deal.’ I said, and we clinked bottles before finishing our drinks.

We dumped the empties in a rubbish bin and walked towards the tube station where Kash was meant to meet us. ‘He should be around here somewhere.’ Lad Boy said, looking around.

‘Oi!’ We heard from behind us and turned around to see Kash with his arm in the air.

He walked towards us and I stepped in front of Lad Boy. ‘Me first!’ I said, throwing my arms around him. ‘Hi!’

He laughed. ‘Hey there, miss. How’s my favourite bro?’

‘Much better now that you’re here.’ I said, kissing him on the cheek.

‘Alright, mate?’ Lad Boy said, stepping in to give Kash a hug.

‘Yeah, mate. I’m good.’ He turned to the other guy lurking behind him. ‘Guys, this is my friend from work.’

We made our introductions then headed to a club, catching up along the way. Once we were inside it was difficult to carry on a conversation because it was so loud.

‘Wine?’ Lad Boy shouted.

‘Sure.’ I yelled back. ‘Do you want me to check your coat?’

‘Yeah.’ He yelled, handing his coat over.

I went to the coat check with Kash and we walked up to the window and handed over our items.

‘Oh … shit …’ Kash said.

‘What?’ I asked, then said, ‘Oh …’ as I matched his gaze to the queue of about ten people we had just cut off. ‘Oh well!’ I said, grabbing my tag and leaving the window. ‘Sorry!’ I said, wincing as we walked past the queue.

Kash was laughing as he walked ahead and we made our way to the bar to find Lad Boy and Kash’s friend. ‘Table?’ Lad Boy shouted, handing me two glasses.

‘Yeah.’

We found a table and as we sat down a waitress immediately appeared to tell us the minimum we had to spend whilst sat there to be able to have the table.

Kash’s friend spoke up immediately. ‘We’ll have two more bottles of wine and five shots of …’ He turned to me.

‘Tequila.’ I said, matter-of-factly. Lad Boy grimaced and Kash laughed.

‘Tequila.’

‘Five?’ The waitress asked, doing quick math.

‘Yes. One for each of us and one for you.’ He said, winking at her.

She laughed. ‘Well, I am off in about ten minutes.’

‘You should join us.’ I said. Lad Boy nodded and winked at me from the corner of his eye in recognition of my wing man move. ‘Balance out the male-female ratio.’

She smiled. ‘Sure. I’ll be back with your drinks in a second.’

‘Where’s the toilet?’ Kash asked.

‘In that corner over there.’ I said, pointing across the club.

‘Cheers.’

‘What do you think about the waitress?’ I said, looking at Lad Boy.

He shrugged. ‘Distinctly average.’

‘You really need to stop using that phrase.’

He laughed. ‘But it’s hilarious.’

‘It is, but regardless. It’s rude.’

‘Pfft. Don’t give a fuck.’

‘Don’t be THAT guy.’ I said, frowning.

‘Oh, I AM that guy.’

‘Alright, Captain Douche.’

‘Yep. Good one.’

Kash walked back. ‘So that was the ladies. Any idea where the gents is?’

‘Oh, sorry.’ I said.

‘It’s fine, I think I’d be a bit concerned if you knew where the gents toilet was.’

‘It’s over there, mate.’ Lad Boy said pointing towards the opposite side of the club.

As Kash walked away I asked, ‘Why didn’t you tell him that in the first place?’

He shrugged. ‘I’m THAT guy, remember?’

‘Dick.’

‘You fuckin love it.’

‘Only because I’m probably just as much of a dick.’ I said, finishing my wine.

‘More so, I’d say.’

‘Ta.’

I turned to Kash’s friend to engage him in some conversation and a couple of minutes later the waitress had returned with our wine and shots. ‘I’ll be right back.’ She said.

‘We’ll be waiting.’ Kash’s friend said.

She smiled. ‘I’ll be back.’

Kash returned and the waitress followed shortly, having changed out of her work uniform. Kash’s friend squeezed in close to me and she sat on our side. ‘Shots!’ He yelled, putting a shot of tequila in front of each of us.

I rubbed the lime on my hand and poured salt onto it before toasting along with everyone else and shouting, ‘Cheers!’

It’s at this point that the night took a turn for the hazy. If you’ve ever seen the movie The Hangover, it’s a bit like the part where they take the shots of jaeger and then all of a sudden it’s the next morning. Only I didn’t wake up in Vegas with a tiger in my room, I woke up in my bed with Lad Boy next to me, but I’ll get to that.

Once we had finished the tequila we finished bottles three and four of wine before ordering a round of jaeger bombs and bowls full of some sort of mixed cocktail and bottles of prosecco. I’m hoping that the second round of jaeger bombs after that was the last of what we drank, but I can’t say with 100% certainty that that was the case.

The waitress’ sister joined us at one point and Lad Boy began chatting her up as Kash’s friend spoke to the waitress. Kash nodded towards the bar and I got up to go have a catch up with him.

Kash had been a mutual acquaintance our first year, but had largely been a friend of Lad Boy’s rather than a friend of mine. His last year was my first year and he had been working abroad ever since graduating. In our second year Lad Boy, myself, and a group of our friends from college had made a pilgrimage to go see him at Easter, but that trip was essentially the first time I had even had a conversation with Kash. Last year Kash came to Oxbridge for post-exam celebrations and ended up sleeping on an air mattress on the floor of my room for three nights and it was then that we had become close friends.

The long weekend I spent with Kash had been completely platonic, and even on the night when we ended up passing out next to each other in my bed, fully clothed in black tie wear, nothing had happened. Which is why I’m confused how it came to be that we ended up pulling in the middle of the club. Maybe we ran out of things to talk about and decided to do the next best thing with our mouths, I don’t know. But what I do know is that we were kissing for anywhere between fifteen minutes to three hours. It was a big club so we had been separated from everyone else for quite some time before Lad Boy finally spotted us.

‘WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!’ He shouted at us.

‘Um. I’m going to go to the toilet.’ Kash said, turning and walking away.

‘Stop pulling your friend!’ Lad Boy shouted over the music.

‘Why?!’ I asked, surprised at his sudden anger.

‘Because!’ He said, pausing to think of a reason before daftly shouting, ‘He’s your friend!’

‘So what?’ I asked, still surprised by his apparent anger that Kash and I had been kissing.

‘You don’t have to pull EVERYONE you know.’ He said, frowning at me judgmentally.

‘What the fuck does that mean?’ I asked.

‘What, so you’re just going to go around pulling all of my friends?’

‘He’s my friend, too. Why are you being like this?’

‘Fine. Whatever!’ He turned to go to the bar and Kash returned.

‘Want to go?’ I asked.

‘Sure.’ Kash said, and we went back to the coat check to get our things.

Now, the argument with Lad Boy could have gone differently, but from what we pieced together the next day that’s how things probably went, and it’s most likely why I left with Kash.

I got a taxi home with Kash, I assume, and when we got back to mine we went to my room and probably engaged in about ten minutes of foreplay before completely passing out. We had attempted to have sex but were both so uselessly drunk that we didn’t even manage to get all of our clothes off.

In the middle of the night I woke up and rolled over to see Lad Boy lying next to me. I froze. ‘What the fu – ’ I began to say then crawled out of bed to go to the toilet. Where the fuck are my pants? Why is Lad Boy in my bed? Shit. Did we … No, definitely haven’t had sex. But … what the fuck?

It was only in hindsight that I remembered this train of thought, as the next morning I woke up in an oversized shirt and different pants to those I had worn out. I slowly opened my eyes, blinking at the morning light.

‘Alright?’ Lad Boy groaned.

I made some sort of noise. ‘Why are you in my bed?’

‘Why did you leave me at the club?’

I frowned. ‘I don’t know. What happened last night?’

‘You tell me.’

I paused. ‘I think I pulled Kash.’

Lad Boy laughed. ‘Typical.’

Kash appeared in the doorway. ‘Hey guys.’

‘Hey.’ I said.

He crawled onto the bed and collapsed. ‘You guys totally disappeared.’ Lad Boy said. ‘And then I came back and walked into your room and your dress was half off and you were just passed out, so I told Kash I’d deal with it and threw a shirt at you.’

‘I have sixteen missed calls from you.’ I said to Lad Boy, scrolling through my phone.

‘I have ten.’ Kash said.

‘Let's listen to the voicemail.’ I said, putting the phone on speaker.

‘[My name here] ... NOT impressed!’ Was all it said. We all started laughing.

‘You left me!’ Lad Boy said, defensively. ‘And who knows what happened to Kash’s friend!’

‘Think he went back to our hotel.’ Kash said.

‘Kash.’ I said.

‘Huh?’

‘Did we pull each other last night?’

‘I think we did.’

We all started laughing again. ‘Well, last I remember I was in bed with Kash.’ I said.

‘Yeah we were in bed then Lad Boy rang the bell and when I answered the door he came in here and was like “Look at the state of her! I’ll take care of this.” So I slept on the couch.’

Lad Boy laughed loudly. ‘Brilliant.’

‘You totally cock-blocked Kash! And me for that matter!’ I said to Lad Boy.

He laughed. ‘Whoops! Yeah when I came in here you were just passed the fuck out.’

‘Too be fair I doubt anything would have actually happened.’ I said.

‘Yeah, probably not. We were DRunk.’ Kash said.

‘So let me get this straight.’ I said, turning to Lad Boy. ‘You come back to mine, come into my room, see me half naked, and your first reaction is to get into my bed.’

‘Seems so!’ Lad Boy said.

‘You are unbelievable.’

‘Unbelievably funny.’

‘I actually find this quite amusing.’ I said.

‘As do I.’ Kash said.

‘I’m glad we’re all agreed on that.’

Lad Boy got up and was only in his pants. ‘Why aren’t you wearing clothes?’ I asked, laughing.

‘Dude. Do you have an erection?’ Kash asked.

‘Might have a semi. Happens in the morning, okay? Stop looking at my penis!’ Lad Boy said.

‘Then put on some clothes!’ I shouted. ‘By the way, you have a surprisingly large penis.’

‘I know, right?’ Lad Boy said, smiling.

‘Is this weird?’ I asked.

‘Nah.’ Lad Boy said, walking towards the door. He stopped at the foot of the bed. ‘Um, guys?’

‘Huh?’ I said.

‘What’s that?’ He asked pointing to the ground.

Kash and I looked over the edge of the bed where a condom was lying on the floor. ‘Huh.’ I said.

‘You guys totally did it.’ Lad Boy said.

‘No, we attempted to.’ I corrected him. I remember quite clearly that Kash could not actually get it up due to the amount of alcohol consumed.

Lad Boy shrugged. ‘Still not weird. Breakfast?’

‘Yeah, mate.’ Kash said.

As they got dressed I cleaned up the room, throwing the two opened, but unused condoms in the bin before getting dressed myself.

We went for a pub breakfast and as we were walking home Lad Boy said, ‘I feel like I might still be drunk.’

‘You know a good way to avoid a hangover?’ I asked.

‘Huh?’ Lad Boy said.

‘Bucks Fizz.’

‘That might be the best idea you’ve ever had.’ Kash said.

‘I tend to have a few good ones.’ I replied.

‘How many bottles?’ Lad Boy asked as we walked into the shop.

Kash and I shrugged. ‘Two?’

‘Plan.’ Lad Boy said.

And thus began Saturday.

To Be Continued … Next time: the party grows and two bottles magically turn into nine.

Weekend Away

2011-10-21T20:17:00.000+01:00

I texted Lad Boy midday to see what he was doing this evening.

By three I hadn't received a response, and by seven when I hadn't heard from him I began to panic.

He knows. He knows about Warren. He hates me. He's ashamed of me.

I pulled out my phone and went to my Favourites screen and pressed on his name.

"Lad Boy - calling ..." my phone read.

He picked up after the first ring. 'Alright?' He said, cheerfully.

'Yeah, how are you?'

'Good, was just about to call you. Just got home.'

'What are you up to tonight?' I asked.

'Not much.'

'I think I might go home for the weekend ... want to come with me?'

There was a brief pause before he said, 'Yeah, alright. Why not?'

'I'm sick of meals for one. And I want to see Alex.'

'Yeah, sounds wicked. Let's do it.'

'Brilliant. Want to leave at nine?'

'Plan.'

'Great, see you then.'

'See you soon, byee!' He said, his voice getting higher with every vowel in "bye".

So, off home, to stay out of trouble.

Stories on Monday ...

Debriefing

2011-10-20T10:20:00.000+01:00

I had maintained consistent contact with Rosie over the course of the week after telling her about the Warren-Langdon debacle, which eventually resulted in a string of rather amusing emails.

On Monday Rosie wrote to me:

Since you phoned me I've been trying to think of brother-related wisecracks. Alas I have failed...so far! I'll get you my girl, I'll get you!

How was your evening with Lad Boy? Does he know your dirty little secret?! Seriously, don't worry sweet - when I hear that story I just think those brothers are a couple of douchebags. You can't help it if you're irresistible to men.

You may wonder why I'm sending you this apparently in the middle of MiC. The answer is simple...I am +1ing it...though I'm not convinced I'll stay awake so don't give me any spoilers!

Much love...slut! (ha, ha only joking)

Love you! x x x x

To which I immediately replied:

MiC was so good. Texted you one of my favorite quotes!

Lad Boy knows nothing. We had dinner and joked about why we woke up together in Warren’s bed. He was like, "Why was he naked?!" And I was like "I don't know!! :-/ . . ."

I believe that you can come up with some good jokes/digs about brothers ;) I look forward to getting gotten.

I'm glad you agree that they're douchebags. They are. I'm a total mug for being with them, but no one ever accused me of dating smart men ;)

Miss you too slag-face (also kidding). Love you! x x x x

Tuesday I woke up to this email from Rosie:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I am sick of being surrounded by hypochondriac RETARDS. Me me me, blah blah blah -BAM!

I wake up this morning and my brother's needy, attention-seeking, lazy thick girlfriend is like 'Oooooooooooh, I'm sooooooooooooo ill, I've had a migraine for two days and my head really hurts [2 days? Really? because you've not mentioned it and seemed fine]...I think I've got this bug … oh I took codeine and now I feel really drowsy.'

Then she complains about how she can’t get a job. Oh pity me, pity me, I have no control over my life and I'm aggressively retarded but I don't know why and I can't seem to do anything about it so I'm just going to complain to anyone who'll listen instead.

In the real world, some people try to carry on with their life without complaining too much, because they realise that being a victim is not only undignified and pathetic, but it puts a burden on everyone else to always have to look after you, and mostly for no good reason. Drainers, drainers, suck the life out of you like a leech.

[Also in the real world, some people are busy sleeping with 2 brothers] … ha ha, gotta get that one in.

How do you tell them? How do you tell them? My attempts at sympathy are conspicuously primitive, but this woman doesn't seem to notice (an audience is an audience after all, she's not fussy). If I reveal my true feelings the house may never be the same again. Help me, Help Me! I need a coping strategy. I'm thinking a passive aggressive one [because at the end of the day I'm a bit of a coward]..

AAArrgghh.

On the plus side, I've just realised that MiC is repeated on E4 in half an hour! Every cloud has a silver lining! Huzzah!

Adieu Slut x x x x

Having had my own share of whingers in my life, I was more than sympathetic. I quickly replied.

Huzzah! For Jamie and his Sex Kittens or whatever it is he called them. I'd purr for that blonde beaut <-- as Hugo would say … the beaut part, not the purring part. That would be odd.

Something else to cheer you up: http://www.e4.com/video/dfacqgxz38nTep7m0aK52C/play.e4 ... fucking hilarious. It's Jamie, the new guy, Hugo and Spencer playing kids games. “This is more than jokes.” is my favorite part.

If I put down all the setbacks in life I've ever had and tried to have most people deal with one* of them for a day they’d crumble. Like you said, people in the real world get on with their lives. To people who constantly whinge about being in the real world I say, grow up Peter Pan.

In terms of your brother’s girlfriend, she sounds like a whinging bitch and the solution is clear - move in with me! It will be just like first year when we lived on the same hall. I have no idea how to deal with people like that - aside from just ignoring them. There's nothing you or I can say to get them out of this 'woe is me' funk in which they have some delusional reality that everything and everyone is against them, instead of looking in the mirror and saying to themselves, “Wow. I'm all kinds of worthless. Oh, hello accountability, so glad I could finally meet you.”

I take 1/3 accountability for what I did because it took three to tango in this fucked-up menagerie I’ve somehow found myself in. I received an email today, “Warren has added you as a friend on Facebook.” Right. As you do. I mean, really? Seriously? Why now? Maybe he thinks we’re going to sleep together again or something. I would like to say my answer to that is “Absolutely not.” But to be completely honest, I’ve never been one for good decisions, so who knows. Just never, EVER, again at his place. I’m starting to care less and less about their feelings and more about if people find out, because sometimes I’m just selfish. But I realise this and embrace it then move on.

Okay, I’ve had a think. Definitely reverting to the never sleeping with either of them again. But I’m writing this mostly as a stream of consciousness (as I do), so that stuff about being selfish is … well actually that’s still true, but the part about sleeping with Warren again is not.

I loved your email by the way, especially the “I'm aggressively retarded” part. I literally laughed out loud.

Back to our MiC chat. I love Francis. “Why am I blue?”

Sorry I can't be more help with the brother’s girlfriend. Maybe just try saying, "Oh poor me, wahhhh, wahhh. Call the waahhhhmbulance!" one morning and see what she does. Have a calculated insult on hand. That's what I like to do, just a tiny comment that will be a detonator and ender of worlds.

Phew. Cathartic. I like when we have bitch-fests!

Enjoy MiC round 2! Talk to you soon

Love,

Schlampa (German for slut) x x x x x x

Shortly after, she replied:

Seriously, you are a genius:

My best bits from your e-mail:

Grow up Peter Pan.

Oh, hello accountability, so glad I could finally meet you." (a personal favourite!)

“Oh poor me, wahhhh, wahhh. Call the waahhhhmbulance!”

Overall, now that you have made me laugh out loud several times over, the world seems like a better place. Many thanks, fellow bitch-festing bitch.

I did also enjoy your generous qualification about the merits of taking adult responsibility for one's life with regard to me on the phone the other day - i.e. the one who still lives at home and doesn't have a job! You are a true friend! I realise my complaints may seem a little...hypocritical...to some. But no! Goddamn! I don't complain about it! And I am still at least in control of my life decisions - A. I don't work, therefore I cannot buy frivolous things and take the piss out of my parents. Simple equation. B. I have a plan: 6 months (funded by me, may I add) to see where doing what I'm passionate about takes me. And my parents support me. C. (most of all C) I don't ham up the goings on in my head to make life miserable for everyone else in the world, instead I get on with as little fuss as possible.

It's all about the attitude. And the wahhhhhbulance victim 'kill me now or die as my slave' attitude fucking stinks.

Our attitude, in contrast, does not stink. We rule!

Much love Puta (apparently Spanish for slut)

x x x x x x x x x x

I decided to harp on about Langdon some more, despite her insisting that we get on with our lives with as little fuss as possible. As she said, our complaints may seem a little … hypocritical … to some.

We absolutely rule. You're the only person allowed to call me a slut by the way. Another endearing name from Langdon - "Hey slag." Hey, FUCK YOU! Fuck him. To be honest, I've always found his brother to be nicer. Lad Boy agrees. I feel I'll have to tell Lad Boy all this at some point but the other night our conversation went something like this:

M: When was the last time you had a one-night stand?

LB: On holiday.

M: So, what? In April?

LB: Yeah.

M: Have you slept with anyone since breaking up with the ex-girlfriend?

LB: No. And I don't really intend to anytime soon. I don't know, I’m just not that into one-night-stands anymore. Maybe I'm growing up.

M: Yeah … I'm not really into one-night stands anymore either …

Awkkkkwarrrrd. To be fair, I don't think Warren is entirely to blame. He has seen how Langdon treats me and knows what Langdon says about me behind my back, so whatever.

I do have some cracking one-liners. I like “grow up Peter Pan” a lot.

And don’t worry, you're supporting yourself like you said. I was living rent-free off of my parents until a couple of weeks ago. They still help me with the cost of living at the moment, so you and I are not that different. We both have realistic plans, and giving yourself an exact time-frame to try something is good. You and I have the right attitude, and therefore have pretty ideal lives. You have your dog, I have Alex von Banterquith when I go home for the weekends. Same difference. I wish I had Alex here in London though.

I've decided, fuck Langdon. Fuck Langdon and the ship he came in on. Warren is nice, Lad Boy likes him better, as does everyone else for that matter, so maybe Langdon will get that he shouldn’t have been such a complete and utter arse. I still can’t believe he said I had a big arse by the way, given that he knows about how I use to be. Could he be more emotionally abusive?

Love you and miss you! Let's have these bitchathons over wine together soon!

Puta tu Madre (Spanish for "your mum is a whore" . .. not really though, she's lovely) x x x x x x x

Rosie replied:

You see, when you say things like 'fuck Langdon’ I'm just never sure what you mean these days....

Tee hiddly hee hee. I do enjoy that conversation with Lad Boy, can't wait to hear what he says when he finds out that you're really much more of a secret sexual dynamo that you let on. Rush to the nearest phone box, put those frilly crotchless panties on the outside and Ta Da! Super sexed [my name here] is on her way! Hurrah! Brothers quake at the knees all over London.

I have to say, Langdon does sound like a major twatbox several times over. Where does he get off with all those playground insults? Developmentally he's clearly significantly stunted, as the rest of the world realised when they were 10 that being rude to people you are attracted to is neither polite nor effective.

I have to say I don't think you'll ever convince me that Warren is much better, given his dubious moral compass when it comes to hitting on his brother's ex, but I guess everything's relative and if you take Langdon as the control then Warren can't help but look like Casanova. Ripe for exploitation, those two!

So the bro's gf is telling everyone she has the 'flu' today. I have quietly shut my door so I don't have to form part of her 'sympathetic' audience. I will be ignoring her all day. But you're right, she does come with the dog which is a MAJOR compensation! So so sweet, and curled up on my bed just now (he likes me better because I actually play with him and feed him instead of telling him off for barking all the time - er hullooo, he's a dog Ms flu-ridden, 'death' defying attention whore - dogs bark).

Evidently I'm still a little irate about the wahhhbulance crew. I'm sure it will wear off soon...maybe.

Back on planet happy I finally got to see MiC - quality as ever!

'Why am I blue?' Creases me up!

I also enjoyed Ollie's 'Then why the fuck are you having a dinner party' to Cheska after she told him she'd given 20 people food poisoning.

But what kind of an uber-bitch is Amber coming over and telling the only girl that has found anything remotely attractive about Francis that he tried to kiss her on the same night they met? Meee-ow. And is it me or are ALL these posh confident guys reeeeeally sleazy when they are coming onto women? Creeps me out, this Proudlock dude is the latest, also Hugo (and I hate to say it Francis). Jamie can get away with it because he's hilarious. And Spencer cos he's so cute.

Why am I blue?

Right, I have to go. I'm supposed to be doing some work. Funny, without all those hideous Oxbridge deadlines hanging over my head I don't seem to be nearly as efficient! It's dead weird to have a relaxed attitude to studying. But dead good.

Much love, ma cheri (This sounds French and nice for a change, until my research into foreign words for slut is complete)

x x x x

I wrote her back a lot of the same things I’ve already said, so I’ll stop with the cut-and-paste job. After finishing my email I closed my laptop and made my way out. The cold air was a sad reminder that summer was over. Winter usually makes me as blue as Francis, but I was determined to embrace the cold and snow this year. Cold can be romantic, perhaps. Probably not, though.

Halfway to the tube I realised I was underdressed. I texted Paul, who I was meeting in a pub.

It is so cold. Do you have a hat or anything to put on my head that I could borrow? X

He replied straight away.

Underwear? Awktober.

I laughed out loud, startling the woman walking past me. I also had a last minute realisation that my phone was running low on battery.

Also, do you have an iPhone charger you can bring? X

Yep. I’ll bring it. You’d be lost without me! x

I know :( xx

Half and hour later he was standing outside of the pub, hat and charger in hand.

‘Thank you my love!’

‘Lost. With. Out. Me.’ He said, handing me the items.

‘It’s sad because it’s true.’

We went inside and grabbed two Magners before sitting ourselves in a corner.

‘So, are you feeling better than you were on Sunday?’ Paul asked, putting his drink down.

‘Much.’

‘Good. Does anyone know?’

‘Not as far as I’ve heard. But the more I think about the more I think the real mistake was dating Langdon in the first place.’ I hesitated for a moment. ‘Eh, and I say dating really liberally. I mean, really we were just sleeping together.’

‘Right.’

‘But he was pretty horrible to me.’

‘Yeah?’

‘I mean he started calling me fat, knowing full well that I use to be aggressively anorexic.’

‘Really?!’

‘Yeah.’

‘What a dick. Are you still …’

‘No! No. But I mean, it doesn’t take much to have that nagging thought process come back, and to have someone who sees you naked call you fat –’

‘You’re not fat.’

‘No, I know. But, it just yeah.’

‘Yeah, I definitely think the error was in being with Langdon. And, so what? You snogged his brother.’

I paused. ‘Actually … I slept with his brother.’

Expecting him to change his opinion completely, I was immediately proven wrong. Paul shrugged, ‘So what? With both these guys they knew it was just a bit of fun, yeah?’

‘Yeah.’

‘And did you have fun?’

‘For the most part, I mean except when Langdon was being a dick.’

‘So pretty much the whole time you were with Langdon was not fun.’

‘I mean, it started as banter, but it just got mean by the end.’

‘Yeah.’

‘I mean, who insults people they’re attracted to?’

‘I don’t know. I’m on the other side of the spectrum, I mean those things he said to you are just things you wouldn’t ever say to a girl. Or anyone for that matter.’

‘I know! It’s so … petty.’

‘Exactly.’

‘Well. It’s over now. Except that I’m bound to see them at this party we’re all going to in about two weeks.’

‘Ages away. Don’t worry about it. We’ll have a good drama-free weekend watching the rugby. You’re coming aren’t you? Rich is coming.’

‘Yeah, of course. Though if France wins I’ll drown myself in the Thames.’

‘I didn’t know you were so passionate about the All Blacks winning.’

‘I’m not, I’m just passionate about France losing.’

He laughed. ‘Fair enough.’

‘I’m kind of over this World Cup. When does Six Nations start?’

‘Never spotted you for a big rugby fan.’

‘Yeah, mate.’ I said, taking a sip.

‘Maybe you should date a rugby player.’

I laughed a bit and inhaled through my teeth. ‘Ooh, that is a story for another day, my friend.’

He laughed again. ‘Can’t wait.’

Brotherly Love

2011-10-17T20:50:00.010+01:00

As the train rocked side to side I scrolled through what I had posted on Twitter earlier in the morning.

Delete.

I’m a horrible person. Delete.

Yep, fair response, I am a “heartless bitch.” UniversalExport is correct as well with, “It’s pretty raw, my dear. It could fuck up a brother relationship and that’s not ones place.”

I got off the train and started walking towards my flat. What had I been thinking? Obviously I hadn’t been. I didn’t even realise Langdon and his brother Warren would be out when I agreed to meet up with Lad Boy the night before.

Twenty-Four Hours Earlier:

iPhone in hand, I watched the blue dot on google maps get closer to the destination. I finally found the pub where Lad Boy had said to meet him and when I got inside I rang him. From across the pub I could see him take his phone out of his pocket so I hung up and headed for his table.

‘Hello!’ He said, getting up to kiss me hello. ‘M-wah!’ He said loudly, then announced, ‘I’ve been drinking since two.’

‘Excellent.’ I said, completely sober.

I hadn’t noticed who was at the table, as their backs had been to me when I got inside. ‘Hello there!’ I said to Warren.

‘Hello, gorgeous!’ He said, standing up to kiss me hello.

Langdon took a sip of his drink and put two fingers up towards me. ‘Good to see you as well, Langdon.’ I said.

Lad Boy had slumped back into his chair and was holding onto my forearm. ‘What took you so long?’

‘Terrible traffic. The bus took ages.’

‘Ah.’ He said, nodding his head drunkenly.

‘Would you like a drink? … Do you need a drink?’

‘San Miguel TOPS. Get it TOPPED.’

‘Okay.’

‘You’re an angel.’ Lad Boy said, still clinging to my forearm.

‘What are you guys drinking?’ I asked Warren. Langdon had gotten up and headed to the toilet.

‘Cider.’

‘Classy.’ I said.

‘You know us.’ Warren said, winking.

‘I’ll be right back.’ I walked to the bar and ordered the drinks.

I saw Langdon come out of the toilets and yelled his name, hoping to get him to come help me carry the drinks. He didn’t hear me over the music and crowd and headed straight to the table. I took the drinks to the table in rounds, placing them in front of everyone. Langdon put a thumbs up towards me, Lad Boy got up and hugged me, and Warren said, ‘Thank you, beautiful.’ Warren had always been liberal with affectionate names towards me, so I thought nothing of it.

Warren pulled out his phone and started showing me pictures from a holiday he had been on and Lad Boy and Langdon talked with each other. It was a pretty standard night in the pub aside from the fact that Lad Boy was completely rat-arsed. Another mate of Lad Boy’s showed up and he and Lad Boy went to the bar for more drinks.

A girl walked by and Warren laughed a bit. ‘Good lord, she has an enormous arse.’

I glanced around. It was fairly sizeable. Langdon looked at me. ‘Speaking of big arses, how are you ugly?’

I frowned. ‘Is calling me fat suppose to be ironic?’

‘I didn’t call you fat. I called you ugly.’

‘Am I wearing a mirror?’

‘Oh. My. GOD, will this –’ Warren said, pointing back and forth between Langdon and I, ‘ever end? Will you two just make up and get over it.’

I shrugged. ‘We’ve always been this way. I don’t think I’ve ever been nice to him actually. It’s just how we are.’ I turned to Langdon. ‘I do not have a big arse.’

‘She doesn’t.’ Warren agreed.

‘And general opinion would be that I am not ugly.’

‘That’s my opinion.’ Warren nodded as well.

‘Alright!’ Langdon said, looking at Warren. ‘Whose side are you on, mate?’

‘The pretty one’s.’

‘Standard.’ Langdon nodded.

‘Besides, you’ve slept with me. Numerous times. So I can’t be all that unattractive to you.’ I said, still arguing my point for no reason.

‘Alright, just calm down. It was a joke.’

‘Yeah, well it’s not funny.’ I looked around to where Lad Boy was standing at the bar. ‘I’m going to go check on the drunk one.’

I walked up to Lad Boy and he shouted loudly, ‘Alright?!’

I laughed. ‘I’m okay.’ He introduced me to his friend and we all talked for awhile before his friend headed back to the table. Lad Boy put his arm around me, which was probably more for his own stabilisation than it was for affection.

‘Your round.’ I said to Lad Boy.

‘I don’t have any more money on me. You buy it.’

‘I bought the last one.’

‘But I have no money.’ He said, looking at me sadly.

‘Ohh. Look at that face.’ I said, pinching his cheeks.

He looked down at my chest. ‘How many bras tonight?’

‘Just the one.’ I said.

‘Really?! They look bigger.’ He poked me in the chest. ‘That’s so much padding! Might as well be two bras.’

‘It’s not that much padding, it’s just how the bra is made!’

‘Is that seriously only one?’ He asked, sticking his hand down my shirt.

I grabbed his hand and pulled it out of my shirt where it was fumbling with my bra. ‘Okayyyy. In public. Not at home. Can’t do that.’

‘Aww.’ He said. He quickly put his hand down my shirt again and his hand slipped into my bra.

‘Hey!’ I said. ‘Ow! You totally just touched my boob.’

‘I know. It was awesome.’

‘Well if you get to touch mine I get to touch yours.’ I said and quickly pinched him on the nipple.

‘Ow!’

‘Payback is a bitch.’

‘You’re a bitch.’

‘I know.’ I frowned and looked at him. ‘You’re a mean drunk.’

He blinked lazily and slowly lifted two fingers and put them right in front of my face. I laughed. ‘Buy me a drink.’ He demanded.

Warren walked up. ‘What.’ He said, emphasising the word. ‘Are you two doing?’

‘Nothin.’ We said in unison, shrugging like two children who had just been caught doing something naughty.

‘Your round.’ I said to Warren.

‘It’s definitely Lad Boy’s round.’

‘No money, mate.’

‘I bought the last one.’ I said quickly.

‘What about Langdon? He hasn’t bought a round.’

Lad Boy shouted across the bar. ‘Langdon! YOUR ROUND!’

Langdon looked up, raised his eyebrows and just shook his head side to side while mouthing, ‘Nooo.’

‘Please.’ I said to Warren.

‘Yeah, pleeeeeaaaase.’ Lad Boy said, pouting.

‘Fine!’ He pulled out his wallet and handed it to me. ‘The pin is [xxxx]. I’m going for a slash.’

I held the wallet and looked at it suspiciously. ‘What do you think the chances are that he gave us the wrong pin in an attempt to trick me into buying the round?’

‘That is entirely likely.’ Lad Boy slurred.

‘Oh well.’ I ordered the drinks.

We watched the bartender pour the drinks and Lad Boy loudly announced. ‘She is fit.’

She looked largely unimpressed, but Lad Boy was oblivious to this, slightly swaying back and forth as he stood next to me. I frowned at him. ‘Make his a shandy.’ I said to her.

He turned his head to me. ‘Probably a good shout.’

‘What did you do last night?’

He exhaled loudly. ‘I was out until six this morning.’

‘You called me at eight this morning.’

He nodded. ‘I only got two hours of sleep.’

‘You’re crazy.’

‘YUP.’ He said loudly.

The girl at the bar told us the price and I handed her Warren’s card. He conveniently came back as she handed me the card machine. ‘Oh. Here you go.’ I said, handing it to Warren. I watched as he typed in the pin he had told me.

‘You told me the right pin?’

He shrugged and said matter-of-factly, ‘Of course. Is that weird?’

‘I don’t know, I guess it just means you trust me.’

‘What’s not to trust?’ He winked and handed me my drink.

The three of us went back to the table and I sat between Warren and Langdon. Langdon was talking to Lad Boy and I was talking to Lad Boy’s friend with Warren. I glanced over at Lad Boy and after a couple of minutes he had lost interest in Langdon and took a keen liking to the three ladies at the table next to us and started chatting them up.

‘Unbelievable.’ Langdon said. ‘Even in the state he’s in, he could probably pull any one of them because he’s so fucking good looking.’

‘He is quite pretty, I agree.’

‘Not as pretty as me though.’

‘Ehh.’ I said. ‘He’s actually much prettier than you.’

‘Whatever. I am amazing. At everything.’ I went to say something. ‘Everything.’

I shrugged. ‘I suppose you’re good a most things. You could probably make a better effort in bed.’ He raised his eyebrows and gave me a “yeah right” kind of look. I thought for a moment. ‘I’d give you a five. Out of ten.’

‘Whatever. You loved it.’

I put my hand out flat in the air and wavered it side to side. ‘Meh.’ I took a sip of my drink. ‘Why didn’t you text me back the other day?’

‘Oh yeah, um, because I have a life.’

‘Good one.’

‘I don’t like texting. That’s why I never answer them. So stop texting me, you fucking. Stalker.’

‘I really think you misunderstand the meaning of stalker. Texting you once in the past five weeks doesn’t exactly constitute stalking.’

‘Whatever. I need the toilet. And I need dinner.’ He said looking around. ‘Warren, should we head back to ours for dinner?’

Lad Boy looked over. ‘I’m hungry!’

‘In a bit, mate.’ Warren said. ‘We still have drinks.’

‘And conveniently it’s your round.’ I said.

‘I’m not buying a round.’ Langdon said.

‘Everyone else has.’

‘Well I want to leave.’

‘Other people are clearly still enjoying themselves, why don’t you just buy a round and get some crisps.’

‘Because I don’t want crisps, and it isn’t my round because I’m leaving.’ Langdon stood up and walked towards the toilet.

I sighed and looked over towards Warren. ‘Whatadick.’ I said as one word.

‘He can be, yes. Don’t pay attention to anything he says, he treats every girl like that.’

‘So I’m not special??’ I said, and mocked crying.

Warren laughed. ‘Have you ever read a book called The Game?’

‘Yes. A male friend gave it to me and told me to run if any guy started using those lines on me.’ Warren laughed again. ‘It’s obvious what Langdon is trying to do, but to be honest, him acting like this is why I stopped seeing him in the first place. I don’t have to put up with that shit.’

‘The book is actually quite interesting. I mean, for example look at Lad Boy. The girl he’s talking to is clearly uncomfortable. The blonde girl across the table is leaning forward and listening to everything he’s saying, she’s clearly interested in him, but he keeps trying it on with this girl who has her arms crossed and is leaning away. Oh and now the third girl has come back and …’ we paused to watch as she introduced herself to Lad Boy and then introduced her friend to him. ‘See? These two he’s in between probably have boyfriends and are trying to set up the blonde one. She introduced herself then immediately introduced her friend, so she’s trying to get Lad Boy to talk to the blonde one.’

‘Interesting. So you don’t think the one who introduced herself first likes Lad Boy?’

‘Nah. Probably has a boyfriend.’

The blonde pulled out a pack of cigarettes and Lad Boy asked if he could borrow one. She smiled and handed him one. He held it up to the girl he was talking to and asked if she smoked. She shook her head no and he shrugged, putting the cigarette in his mouth. He turned to Warren and I. ‘I’m going for a smoke.’ He said, the cigarette bouncing up and down in his mouth. ‘She doesn’t smoke.’ he said pointing at the girl he had been chatting up. ‘But. I. Do.’

I laughed. ‘No you don’t.’

‘I do right now.’ He said and stood up and walked out with the other two girls.

The girl he had been chatting to turned to us. ‘Sorry about him.’ I said. ‘He’s really drunk right now. He’s usually quite charming.’

‘Yeah.’ Warren agreed. ‘He’s a top lad, but just a bit out of it at the moment. He’s usually not like this.’

‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like this, actually.’

‘He’s a bit creepy.’ The girl said. ‘But very attractive. If he weren’t so creepy I’d definitely pull him.’

Warren and I glanced at each other. We continued to build Lad Boy up to this girl in the hopes that she’d see past the “creepy”. Personally I thought he was just being douchey – a rare side effect of alcohol on him. Lad Boy walked back in and surpassed the other table, coming to sit next to me. The girl’s friends joined her at the table and she went back to speaking with them.

‘You could probably pull her.’ Warren said.

‘Not interested.’ Lad Boy shrugged. ‘She’s distinctly average.’ He said, matter-of-factly.

I laughed. ‘You are unbelievable.’

‘She’s boring.’ He said.

‘Mate.’ Warren said, nodding.

I nodded as well. ‘The girl is a bore.’ She was. Lad Boy still had a pint left and Warren and I had just finished ours. ‘Tell your brother to get a round in.’ I said to Warren.

‘Oi!’ Warren yelled at Langdon. ‘Your round.’

‘Nah, mate.’ Langdon said. ‘We’re leaving. Besides, I still have half a pint.’

‘Fuck it.’ I said. ‘Do you want another drink?’ I asked Warren.

‘Yeah.’ He said.

‘My round then, you bought the last one.’

‘Cool, let’s go to the bar.’ He said, getting up.

‘What is your brother’s deal? Why is he being such a dick tonight?’

‘It isn’t just tonight, he is always this way. Haven’t you seen this yet?’

‘I suppose.’ I said. I thought about it for a moment and Warren was right, I couldn’t think of a time when I’ve been out with Langdon that he hasn’t been distinctly rude or horrible to me.

‘We need to get him a drink, by the way.’ Warren said.

‘Absolutely not.’ I said.

Warren frowned and gave a pleading face. ‘But he’s my brother, it’s my duty.’

‘No. We have both bought him drinks in the past two hours and he hasn’t bought one drink for either of us since. It’s just the principle of the matter. Like you said, he’s being a dick.’

‘Did I say that?’

‘No, I did, but you agreed.’

‘Did I?’

‘Probably, the point is that we are not getting him a drink because he’s being a dick.’

‘Okay.’ Warren said. ‘What if I give you the money to get him a drink?’

‘No. Not going to happen. He’s been saying he wants to go for the past thirty minutes anyway and he still has a drink.’

‘Fair points you make.’

‘Obviously.’

I got our drinks and Warren and I went back to Lad Boy. ‘I’m hungry.’ He said to us. ‘Let’s go.’

‘We just got drinks.’ I said

‘You guys go, we’ll get a taxi back after we finish this.’ Warren said.

‘Fine.’ Lad Boy said. Then turned to Langdon. ‘Mate, are we going back to yours?’

‘Yeah mate, let’s do one.’ Langdon looked at us. ‘Warren, are you coming?’

His intentional exclusion of me wasn’t unnoticed. Lad Boy pointed at me. ‘You’re coming.’ I held up my drink and Lad Boy gave an “ah, yes” nod then said, ‘You’re coming after that.’ Changing the object of his point from my face to my pint.

‘Maybe.’ I said.

‘You are. You can crash at mine.’

‘Are you even going to make it back to yours?’ I asked, doubtfully.

‘It’s doubtful. You can crash at theirs.’ He said pointing to Langdon and Warren.

‘Tempting.’ I said unconvincingly as I raised my eyebrows.

‘Right. We’re leaving.’ Langdon said. ‘See you fuckers back at home.’

‘Well this has been pleasant.’ I said sarcastically, turning to Warren once they left.

‘Are you still upset about the breakup?’

‘No, because there was no breakup. We were never dating. I was never serious about Langdon.’

Warren raised his eyebrows. ‘Really? I think you were.’

‘I wasn’t. If anything I think he was the one who took it more seriously.’

‘Probably not. But you definitely fell for him a bit.’

‘I can honestly say that that’s not the case. I told him from the beginning I didn’t want a relationship and then he was the one who would invite me around and then just want to watch telly and cuddle.’

‘He does that, though. He’ll try and make it seem like he’s this sensitive guy, but he really isn’t. It’s just part of the game.’

‘Well, it’s not part of my game. And as I told him all I really wanted was someone to sleep with consistently, cuddling and telly wasn’t part of the deal. I know it makes me sound slutty, but I was only using him for sex.’

Warren laughed and put his hand up. ‘Alright!’

I laughed and high-fived him. ‘But, seriously. I’m just too busy. I’ve got things to do. I’m trying to figure out what I want to do work-wise and I’ve just moved to London, so the last thing I wanted was all this change and then to immediately be in a relationship.’

‘I agree, I’m quite anti-relationship at the moment as well. Too busy with work.’

We sat and talked for another thirty minutes, as we finished our pints. Once we were done, Warren said, ‘One more for the road?’

‘Sure. I’m not really hungry, so not bothered about eating with the others.’

‘Agreed. Here’s my card, can you get the drinks while I go to the toilet?’

‘Sure thing.’

When I returned to the table a couple of minutes later I placed the pints down and sat next to Warren. ‘Ta.’ He said, taking a sip. He exhaled and said, ‘I need to get laid soon. I haven’t had sex in three weeks.’

‘I know. Try five.’

‘That’s a long time.’

‘Tell me about it.’

‘Well, there’s an easy solution to our problems.’

I laughed. ‘Yeah right.’

‘Five weeks you say?’

‘Yeah, and not for lack of trying – I was completely shot down by someone the other night … I don’t think that’s ever happened to me before.’ I said.

He laughed. ‘You’re so modest.’

‘I know that sounds bad, but really, I don’t think I’ve ever been blatantly rejected like that before.’

‘Well he sounds like an idiot. Anyone would be lucky to pull you. I wanted to kiss you the first time I saw you. And actually, I really want to kiss you right now.’ I laughed a bit. ‘Come here.’ He said, and before I knew what was happening, his hand was behind my neck and his lips were pressed to mine. He pulled away. ‘That’s better.’ He said.

I was caught completely off-guard, and as he started talking again I couldn’t think about anything except for what an amazing kisser he was. I cut him off from whatever it was he was saying. ‘I’m sorry, I have no idea what you’ve been saying. I kind of just want to kiss you again.’

He laughed and kissed me again. When he pulled away he said, ‘I really want to sleep with you.’

I frowned. ‘That could get way too complicated. What about Langdon?’

‘What about him?’

‘Well don’t you think it’s a bit awkward?’

‘Not really.’

‘Have you ever slept with someone he’s slept with?’

‘I’ve slept with tonnes of girls that he’s slept with.’

‘You’ve slept with tonnes of girls? Great line.’

‘No, not like that, but I mean, yeah I’ve slept with girls that Langdon has slept with, it isn’t a big deal.’

‘Tell me the truth, do you think he actually liked me and wanted anything more than sex.’

‘Honestly?’ Warren asked.

‘Yes.’

‘No.’

The amount of times that guys have lied to me about things just because they think they’re on the brink of getting to have sex with me is more than I can tell you. Everyone from the boy I lost my virginity to, to Dale, to Langdon, and probably to his brother. It ranges from the actual status of a relationship they have with someone else, the last time they were tested for STIs, to simple, stupid lies. I don’t know if Warren was lying at this point, but I do know that there are times when guys will lie through their teeth, and if ever there was a time for Warren to lie, it would have been then.

‘Hm.’ I said. ‘Well, we’d have to go to mine.’

‘Yours is miles away. It’s practically the opposite side of the city from where we are.’ I still hadn’t adjusted to London distances, whereas in Oxbridge “opposite side of the city” wasn’t a game-ender, in London “opposite side of the city” is more often than not no less than an hour commute. I was pretty sure we were only forty-five minutes from mine, but as we were about ten minutes from his, it was a valid argument. Warren could see the wheels turning in my head. ‘C’mon, come back to mine.’

‘But you live with Langdon.’

‘So what?’

‘I just … don’t want to hurt his feelings.’

‘You really won’t.’ I thought about it some more as I sipped my drink. ‘It must be exhausting to be you.’ He said.

‘What do you mean?’

‘Do you always think this much about everything?’

‘I try not to, but more often than not I probably do think this much about everything.’

He took my hand. ‘It will be fine.’ He leaned forward and kissed me again.

‘You really think so?’

‘Yes.’ He said.

We alternated between talking, kissing and drinking for another hour before getting a taxi back to his. In the taxi, Warren started kissing me. I pulled away. ‘Wait, everyone is at yours. There’s no way this is going to happen. I can’t. It’s just, I don’t think it’s a good idea.’

‘It will be fine. Stop worrying.’ He kissed me again. I find kissing more addictive than chocolate. If I could just have a snog every day I’d be perfectly content. The problem is that it rarely stops at snogging.

We got to his and I got out as he paid the driver. He walked around the back of the cab as he pulled his cigarettes out and put one in his mouth. ‘Want one?’

‘No, thank you. I don’t smoke.’

‘Want to go inside? You look cold.’

‘Yeah, I’m a bit cold.’

‘Here, I’ll let you in.’ He opened the front door and as I walked by him he stopped me to kiss me again. ‘See you in a second.’

‘See you soon.’ I walked upstairs and at this point was still in my snogging-euphoria mode. I pushed the door open and walked into the sitting room.

‘Where the fuck have you been?’ Lad Boy screeched.

‘Drinkin. We stayed in the pub for another round.’

‘Standard.’ Lad Boy said.

I went over to sit with him on the couch and looked around. The party had grown significantly and Langdon was messing around with iTunes, putting on a playlist whilst everyone else was talking and drinking. ‘What are you drinking?’ I asked looking at the glass in Lad Boy’s hand. The question really should have been “why are you drinking?” but I ignored this, much like I ignored all other intuition that evening.

‘Vodka. Want some?’

I looked up and saw Warren walk in. Langdon got up to speak to him and Warren was making hand gestures to signify he was going to bed. Langdon turned to go back to whoever it was he had been talking to and Warren looked at me, winked, and then nodded towards his room. I frowned and he mouthed “come on” and smiled. I couldn’t help but smile back, and watched as he walked away. I turned back to Lad Boy. ‘Oh, um. No, you’re alright.’

‘Want to try mine?’ He slurred.

‘Sure.’ I said, taking it from him and taking a big gulp, more to ensure Lad Boy didn’t drink too much more than anything else. ‘I’ll be right back, I need the toilet.’ I lied, getting up and walking through the party discretely and heading to Warren’s room. He was in bed, watching telly. I walked over to the edge of the bed and looked towards the screen. ‘What are you watching?’

‘Doesn’t matter.’ He said, sitting up and pulling me on top of him. We kissed for awhile, but as we had been snogging for about two hours in the pub and taxi, we were naked quickly and down to business.

I won’t lie, it was fun. The sex was amazing, and the element of secrecy probably added some excitement to the situation. Afterward he began kissing me again.

‘Mmm.’ I said, trying to talk with his lips pressed to mine. ‘I need to go back out there so it isn’t obvious what’s going on.’

‘To be fair, it’s probably quite obvious that we were just watching telly.’ He said, smiling.

‘Unlikely, but oh well.’ I said, dressing in the dark.

‘Come back soon.’ He said.

‘Okay.’ I said, kissing him quickly and walking out the door.

Everyone was still in the sitting room and when I came in there were some glances in my direction. ‘What have you been doing?’ Langdon asked.

‘Watching telly with Warren. The music is still quite loud from his room, I think he’s going to try and go to sleep.’

‘Don’t give a fuck.’ Langdon said.

‘Where have you been?’ Lad Boy yelled.

I smiled and walked over to him, sitting down next to him on the sofa. ‘Hey drunky.’ I said, ruffling his hair. He rested his head on my shoulder. ‘Whatcha drinking?’

‘Same.’ He said, holding the glass up.

I took the glass and had a sip. I choked a bit. ‘Whoa that’s strong.’

‘Mmhmm.’ He said. He shuffled his body around so that his head was resting on the side of the couch and we somehow managed to end up tangled like a pretzel, with him sleeping, my legs draped over the side of him, and his arm locked through mine.

As he started nodding off I took the glass from him that was bound to drop at any moment and reached for the mixers that were on the table. I added half a pint of juice to the drink and downed it before refilling with only juice. Everyone sat around talking, and eventually Langdon excused himself to go to bed. The party died out and I snuck back to Warren’s room. He was sleeping and as I was about to get into bed I remembered that I had to be somewhere early and needed to find my phone, which I had set an alarm on. I left the room again and rummaged around in the living room for my jacket, where my phone was lingering around in a pocket. I couldn’t find it anywhere. Both couches were being slept on and I tried to look around the people on them, but it was to no avail.

‘Shit.’ I whispered. Langdon’s room was closest, so I carefully pushed the door open and went to grab his phone to try and call mine. I saw it on the desk and after one step I tripped and barely avoided falling by grasping to the side of the desk.

Langdon woke up. ‘What are you doing?’ He asked.

‘I can’t find my phone, can I borrow yours?’

‘Yeah, yeah sure.’ He said, groggily sitting up and unplugging it.

‘Thanks. Sorry.’

He groaned and flopped back into bed. I went out into the living room and tried to listen for the phone but I couldn’t hear it anywhere. ‘Fuck.’ I whispered.

I went back into Langdon’s room to return his phone. ‘Why do you need your phone?’

‘I need to get up really early tomorrow.’

‘What time?’

‘Seven.’

‘I’ll set an alarm for you, just sleep in here.’

I froze. Shit. ‘Oh, no that’s okay.’ I whispered. ‘I’ll just go sleep on the couch.’

‘Don’t be stupid, just sleep in here.’ He said, fumbling with his phone. ‘There. Alarm set. And it’s going off at seven so if you’re not here to turn it off I’m going to be upset.’

Shit. ‘Um. Ok.’ Fuck. I slowly crawled onto his bed and pressed myself as far against the wall and away from him as possible. I stared at it, wondering how I had managed to end up in this situation. Karma truly is a bitch. I waited to hear Langdon fall back asleep so I could make my grand escape, but no such luck. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, he rolled over and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me towards him. I was still wearing all of my clothes, but Langdon was stark bollock naked, so I sat up quickly and whispered something about the toilet and bolted out the door.

I went back into the living room, and Lad Boy had disappeared from one of the couches. I presumed he woke up and went home, as he didn’t live far, and saw my jacket lying flat under where he had been sleeping. I pulled my phone out and double-checked the alarm was set as I walked to the other side of the house towards Warren’s room. I got into his room and felt my way towards the bed in the darkness. There was enough moonlight to vaguely see, and I placed my hand down to the right of where Warren was sleeping only to immediately realise I had placed it on someone else’s leg. ‘What the fu–’ I began to whisper, before I saw Lad Boy stir a bit. You’ve got to be kidding me. Too tired to care, I went back to the left side of Warren, placed my phone on his bedside table and turned around to see him holding the duvet up for me to get in. I crawled in and Warren wrapped the duvet and his arm around me and we fell asleep.

A short while later my alarm started going off. I turned it off immediately, trying not to wake the others. They stirred a bit and Lad Boy coughed and stirred a bit. A moment later he said. ‘Warren?’

‘Uh?’ Warren groaned.

‘Are you naked?’

‘Yeah.’ Warren said, still half-asleep.

‘At least one of us is wearing clothes.’ I said.

Lad Boys sat up. ‘What the fuck?’

Warren was no longer wrapped around me, and was just an awkward naked barrier in between us. I got up and turned my alarm off. Lad Boy shrugged and collapsed back into the bed and Warren whispered, ‘Can you toss me those boxers? It’s a bit awkward being naked with just me and him in the bed.’ I laughed and threw the boxers at him. ‘Where are you going?’

‘I have to run an errand.’

‘On a Sunday?’

‘Yeah, someone’s coming round my place to install something in about an hour, it’s a family friend and this morning was the only time they could do, hence needing to rush back.’

‘Come back after for breakfast.’

‘Okay. See you soon.’ I leaned down and kissed him quietly as not to wake Lad Boy with a snogathon.

I crept across the house and into Langdon’s room, where his phone was lit up in his hand while he was lying there passed out. I tried to quietly get to the phone to turn off the alarm, but as I slid it out of his hand he woke up. ‘Hi.’ I whispered. He groaned. ‘Thanks for setting the alarm.’ He groggily patted me on the arm as I turned off the alarm, and once I had sorted his phone out I got up and left while he was still mostly asleep. I grabbed my jacket from the couch and got back to the hallway as Warren was coming out of his room.

We met in the middle of the hallway and he opened the door to the toilet and pulled me in, kissing me. ‘See you in a couple of hours, yeah?’

‘Sure.’ I said, and he kissed me again. I pushed the door open and left quietly.

It was still quite dark out and there were no taxis in sight. I walked to the next bus stop and hopped on the first one to come that was headed in the general direction of my side of the city. I rode the bus until it got somewhere central to get off and find a taxi. I eventually managed to take a taxi that someone was getting out of and started messing around on Twitter, as you do when you’re essentially still drunk.

Unsure of exactly how I felt, I did what I do in most stressful situations, I try and ease them with humour. I started writing as if I didn’t care that I had just slept with the brother of the last person I had slept with, but really my head was racing with all the different ways in which it could all come crashing down on me. I got home in time to meet the family friend doing me a favour and sat drinking tea and eating toast while I contemplated what I had done. Once the family friend had left I showered and got dressed. The thought of going back and just casually slipping back into Langdon and Warren’s house and going to breakfast held little appeal to me I realised.

I got out my phone and wrote a text.

Right, so about coming back for breakfast … the tube near me doesn’t work and I can’t be bothered to sit on a bus for over an hour. Dinner later? Xx

I knew Lad Boy wouldn’t get it because his phone had run out of battery, but at least I would have told someone I wasn’t coming back.

I went to my computer and wrote some more tweets. I made myself breakfast, and as I would’ve liked to think I was cool and casual enough to just go sit with the guy I had just slept with and his brother who was the last person I had slept with before that, I put on Twitter that I was at breakfast with everyone in an attempt to ease my own guilt.

I got my phone out again and wrote another text, this time to Rich and Paul.

What are you doing today? Pub lunch? Xx

Moments later I got a text back from Rich.

Yeah! Where should we go? xx

Paul wrote back as I was reading Rich’s text.

I’m down. Where should we go? x

I suggested we meet somewhere as far away from Warren and Langdon’s side of town as possible and went to hide there for the day. We had a lovely time sitting by the river, and I ended up telling them that I pulled Warren, to their great amusement. I largely downplayed the situation, saying that we had only snogged.

‘Well,’ Rich said, grabbing one of my chips and putting it in his mouth. ‘No one saw, right?’

‘Right.’ I said.

‘As long as no one finds out, it’s fine.’

‘Do you think this Warren guy will tell his brother?’ Paul asked.

‘I don’t know.’ I said, taking a bite of my Sunday roast.

‘His brother sounds a bit sketchy.’ Paul said.

Rich nodded, eating another one of my chips. ‘Why would you hook up with a bird your brother had shagged?’

‘Well, I mean, look at me.’ I said, pointing to my face. ‘Can’t blame the guy for trying.’

‘True.’ Rich said, taking another chip.

‘Oh, just take the whole plate. You know I’m not going to eat them.’

‘Score!’ Rich said, taking my side plate of chips.

‘Don’t feel bad.’ Paul said.

I still did, which is why I lied to them about the extent of the situation. I sighed heavily. ‘You need a drink.’ Rich said. ‘Same again?’

‘Sure, thanks.’

‘Paul?’

‘Yep. Ta.’

We finished our meals and Paul said, ‘Well I’ve got to go. Got a date.’ He beamed.

‘With who?’ I asked. ‘And why don’t we know about her?’

‘It’s still early days. But I want you guys to meet her.’

‘Wicked. When?’ Rich said.

‘Maybe next week?’

‘Sounds good.’ I said.

Paul took off and Rich and I wandered around until we found another pub overlooking water. ‘Want to go grab a table by that heating lamp and I’ll get the drinks in?’

‘Sure.’ I said. I sat down and looked across the water, exhaling deeply. What am I like? Before my mind could answer that, Rich came back with the drinks. ‘What’s this? Gin and tonic?’

‘Special gin and tonic.’

I took a sip. ‘That’s really good.’

‘Yeah it’s Hendricks.’

‘I love Hendricks.’

‘Shame they didn’t have any cucumber though.’

‘Mm.’ I agreed, nodding.

‘You look worried.’ He said, putting his drink down.

‘Well, I am a bit.’

‘Don’t be. Look, if anything it’s the brother’s fault, not yours.’

‘I think fault would be pretty mutual actually.’

‘I think you’re thinking too much.’

‘Probably.’ We changed the subject and soon were laughing uncontrollably about an inside joke. I’m not even sure what made it so funny, but at one point we had tears running down our faces and people glaring at us and our loud and raucous behaviour.

After our drinks we walked to the nearest station, just chatting about nothing in particular. It was a nice break from the stress of the guilt seeping out of me. He kissed me on the cheek goodbye at the station, as we were headed opposite directions and I sat on the train, going through emails and such. I had emailed Millie earlier in the day to tell her briefly what happened and she had written me back.

Hey, that is pretty bad. Sibling relationships can be awkward even without that kind of drama. To be honest I question Warren's motives - why would he sleep with someone his brother was recently involved with? That seems like a really crappy thing to do. Are you sure he's an upgrade on Langdon?

I also think you might have done something that causes some hurt to Langdon, especially as it could mess up his relationship with his brother. I don't know, maybe they'll both be cool with it (or maybe Langdon will never find out), but I suspect not. So although you don't feel too bad about it now, you might soon.

Needless to say my Saturday was much less eventful!

She was right. Although I didn’t like Langdon much, it didn’t mean that I wanted to hurt him.

I opened Twitter and began deleting my earlier tweets.

I eventually made it home after what seemed like the longest day of my life. I passed out and in the morning woke up with a horrible feeling in my stomach. Worse than any hangover, it was just that anxious, uneasy feeling of dread. My head felt fine, but I would have almost preferred a hangover to the consuming guilt I was starting to feel. It’s rare that I regret things, and I couldn’t remember the last time I had ever felt this bad about a decision.

I sat down and started writing out everything I could remember from the evening. A couple hours and a few thousand words later I got up and went for a walk. All I could think about was that I needed to talk to someone. I didn’t know who to tell. I couldn’t tell Lad Boy, he’s too close with Warren and Langdon. I suddenly realised exactly who it was I wanted to speak to. I went back to my place, away from the gusty outdoors of London and picked up the phone.

‘Hello?’ A voice said, almost confused on the other end.

‘Hello!’ I said to Rosie.

‘I never get phone calls. When my phone started ringing I was like, “what is it doing?”’

I laughed. ‘How are you?’

‘I’m good, just writing an essay.’

‘I thought that stopped when we graduated.’

‘Yeah, well, I signed up for some course, nothing big. And when I say I’m “writing” the essay, I mean I’m doing anything I can to put off writing the essay.’

‘Oh good, so you have time to talk.’

‘For you? Always. What’s up? Are you alright my darling?’

I inhaled. ‘Well … remember Langdon?’

‘Yes.’

‘You’re not going to believe this, but I had the most ridiculous set of circumstances occur. Seriously, potentially one of the worst decisions I’ve ever made. So the other night …’ I began telling her the story. Much to my surprise, her reaction was mostly amusement, and she even laughed at most of it.

‘Oh, [my name here].’ She said, laughing.

‘I know.’ I said, sadly.

‘Don’t beat yourself up over this, as I think you’re hardly the bad guy here. What was Warren thinking? I mean unless this is something those two do often, passing around girls.’

‘Sounds great when you say it like that.’

She laughed. ‘You know what I mean. But, honestly, I thought you were calling to tell me you had finally slept with Lad Boy.’

‘No, and that’s not going to happen.’

‘Well, I thought it was either that or something much worse. When you started talking about his brother I thought maybe you had had a threesome or something, or that Langdon had filmed you two having sex and you had come into the sitting room to find everyone watching it.’

‘Good Lord, no! Though when you say those kinds of things I suppose it always could be worse. Could you imagine?! I’m pretty sure my taste in men is above those who film themselves having sex and then show it to their mates.’

‘Indeed. But really, you needn’t worry for now. For all you know it’s not the kind of thing they talk about together, or maybe they’ll have a laugh about it.’

‘Maybe they’ll want a threesome.’ I offered.

‘It is the logistical way forward.’ Rosie agreed.

‘I’ve never slept with brothers, and I’ve never had a threesome. Could be a two-for.’

‘There you go.’

‘I’m joking, that’s a terrible thing to say.’

‘Well I still think Warren is the odd one out here. Who does that? I mean, he’s the one who has gone after someone his brother was seeing, and you’re just you. These things happen to you. It’s not your fault people want to sleep with you.’

‘I didn’t have to say yes.’

‘You’re just an opportunist.’

I laughed into the phone. ‘That is certainly one way of looking at it.’

‘Look, I’m clearly biased towards you here, but Langdon was treating you like shit, and always has. Warren, with scant regard for his brother, took advantage of a situation, and you were just sort of … along for the ride.’

‘I like to think I have a more active role in my life, but that does sound slightly accurate.’

‘You and Langdon were not together, he clearly showed no remorse or emotion about treating you badly, so forget about him. And like you said, best case scenario, you get a threesome out of it.’ I laughed. ‘Remember, I live my sex life vicariously through you, so I say go for it.’

‘Of course you do.’ I sighed. ‘Well, thanks for cheering me up.’

‘Thanks for cheering ME up! That story was hilarious.’

I smiled. ‘When are you coming to visit me?’

‘Soon, I hope. Aren’t we going out with Kate next week?’

‘Oh, yes! Can’t wait.’

‘Should be fun.’

‘I’ll let you get back to your essay.’

‘Ugh.’

‘I miss you though.’

‘I miss you too, darling. Feel free to call anytime, especially with a story like that!’

I laughed. ‘Talk to you soon.’

‘Goodbye.’

I went back to my computer and kept typing the story. I had written Millie back that morning to say how awful I felt and an email popped up from her.

Hey, my previous email wasn't meant to make you feel bad... I just thought you perhaps hadn't realised that you might have hurt people. Getting involved with a sibling of an ex (even a dick-ish ex like Langdon) will always be complicated so it's probably best to do it with some thought... But as you said before, it's done now, I understand you feel bad, but you didn't intentionally set out to hurt anyone - and who knows, maybe no one will ever find out so no one will get hurt anyway.

I definitely agree that Warren’s behaviour was shady... he must know that Langdon would mind if he found out, that's why he's keeping it a secret. But if he knows that Langdon would mind, why did he do it??

I'd recommend staying away from both of them for a while...

Sound advice. My feelings on the matter fell in the middle of the spectrum between Millie and Rosie’s opinions. They were both valid, but I tended to be more like Millie and feel more empathetic towards Langdon, but more like Rosie when it came to how I felt about the situation as a whole.

It’s hard, when considering the three people involved, to know to what degree I should hold myself accountable.

The phone rang, it was Lad Boy. ‘Hey, I’m running late, but I’ll be there in twenty.’

‘No problem, I’ll put the oven on.’

‘Cheers, okay, byeee.’ It was his standard send off.

I pulled out the pizza I had bought for him to check what gas mark to set the oven at and turned the oven on. I started shutting down word and clearing internet history, as it was standard for Lad Boy to mess around and show me things on my computer. He also knows the password, so not worth the risk of him opening up my laptop to find this post or my gmail account for the blog.

The door buzzed and I went to let him in. ‘Hello.’ He kissed me and we hugged.

‘I’ll throw the pizza in the oven.’

‘Schweet.’ He said in a high pitched tone, taking his bike helmet off.

‘You were out of control on Saturday.’ I said.

‘I know!’ He said, laughing. ‘I honestly don’t remember you getting there.’

I re-enacted most of the night for him, much to his amusement. ‘Do you remember putting your hand down my shirt?’

‘No!’ He laughed. ‘Did I get boob?’

‘Oh yes. The whole thing.’

‘Yes!’

‘The best part is that we were standing at the bar, everyone in the room could see us. If anyone was watching they probably thought we were completely mental.’

He laughed harder. ‘Well, we kind of are.’

I continued to recall the night to him. ‘Oh, and then Langdon wouldn’t buy anyone drinks.’

‘He’s such a dick. I don’t understand how he’s like that. Warren is, like, the nicest guy ever, and just so much sweeter and more considerate.’

‘Mm.’ I nodded.

‘I went to breakfast the next day and Langdon was so hungover.’ Good. Maybe he won’t remember the few seconds of him trying it on and me bolting. ‘I mean, I was hungover, but I feel like I drank way more than he did.’

‘After you passed out I think he went through a significant amount of vodka.’

‘Ah, fair enough. OH!’ Lad Boy said looking directly at me. Shit. He knows. He knows. They know. Everyone knows. ‘And why were we sleeping in Warren’s bed?’

‘I don’t know! And why was he naked? So weird.’ I said, blagging it.

Lad Boy laughed. ‘Funny night.’

I exhaled deeply, relieved that he didn’t know. ‘Funny night indeed.’

I'm a Bee!

2011-10-13T18:11:00.000+01:00

‘I’m lonely. Let’s get a place together.’

Lad Boy laughed into the phone. ‘Oh. You’re serious. Hm. Maybe.’

‘It would be so much fun. We practically live together already.’

‘Not really.’

‘Which part?’

‘The us practically living together.’

‘I promise I won’t be messy.’ I lied.

‘Liar.’

‘I know.’

‘Besides, your place is nice. Why don’t you want to live there?’

‘It’s okay. I’m just alone a lot.’

‘You lived alone at college.’

‘True. But that was different.’

‘And we hang out all the time anyway.’ There was a knock on the door. I got up to get it and opened it. Lad Boy hung up the phone. ‘See? And why couldn’t you wait until I got here to have this conversation?’

‘I was bored.’ I shrugged.

‘Find a job yet?’

‘Nope.’ I said, walking into the kitchen.

‘What are you doing for money?’

‘Don’t worry about it.’ I paused. ‘Wait, that makes me sound like a prostitute. I have money, don’t worry.’

‘Alright for some.’

‘Mmm.’ I said raising my eyebrows. ‘I am looking for a job.’

‘That’s a lie.’

‘I’m thinking about looking for a job.’

‘Slightly more believable.’

‘I might start thinking about looking for a job soon.’

‘There we go!’

‘Maybe I’ll bartend.’ I said, putting the kettle on.

‘You would be a horrible bartender.’

‘I would be a brilliant bartender.’

‘You’d be good for banter, but horrible for business.’

‘What?!’

‘Would you honestly charge me for a drink if I came in?’

‘No, I probably wouldn’t charge any of my friends. Isn’t that one of the benefits to working at a bar? Free drinks?’

‘No, that is not a benefit. Hence why you would be terrible for business.’

‘Sounds like a horrible job anyway.’

‘Yeah, bartending is pants.’

‘Have you ever bartended?’ I asked, surprised.

‘No, because it’s shit.’

The kettle switched off and I started filling the mugs with water. ‘What’s your favourite band?’

‘Why?’ He said, frowning.

‘Dunno. Realised I don’t know what your taste in music is.’

He laughed. ‘You are so weird!’

‘Just tell me your favourite band!’

‘This is actually bothering you.’

‘Kind of.’ I said, handing him a cup of tea. ‘You’re my best mate and I don’t know what your favourite band is. Don’t you find that strange?’

‘No.’ He shrugged.

‘Do you know my favourite band?’

‘I really don’t care.’

‘That’s because you don’t know what my favourite band is.’

‘AC/DC.’ He said flatly.

‘Ha! Wrong!’

‘They write your favourite song.’

‘That’s correct.’ I conceded.

He turned to me. ‘You don’t actually have a favourite band because you like all kinds of music, but if you had a gun to your head you’d probably say that,’ he squinted one eye and thought for a moment, ‘Black Eyed Peas are your favourite band.’

‘Don’t judge me for that. But it is true. If I had to listen to one band for the rest of my life it would be them. It would be like a constant party.’

‘One, I do judge you for that, and two did the DJ play Black Eyed Peas when you requested it the other night?’

‘No.’ I said, sadly.

‘That’s because it’s not great party music.’

‘It is at my parties.’

‘That’s why your parties suck.’

I gawked. ‘My parties are amazing.’

‘Actually,’ he said slowly, ‘they are.’ I smiled. ‘I liked the one where you had buckets of Pimms.’

‘And hours of Black Eyed Peas. It makes me happy just thinking about it.’ I said, reminiscing.

‘Did you really think the song “Imma Be” was about being a bee?’

‘Like a bumble bee? Yes.’

He laughed. ‘God, you’re thick.’

‘I know.’ I said, sadly again. ‘Wait!’ I said, perking up. ‘You still haven’t told me what your favourite band is.’

‘I heard a really good one last week. I wrote it down somewhere in my phone.’ He scrolled through his phone. ‘Shit. Where’d it go? Oh well, I can’t remember. I guess I listen to reggae a lot.’

I paused for a moment. ‘I knew that. I guess I just chose to block that out of my memory because it’s so fucking strange.’

‘Reminds me of going on holiday.’

I laughed. ‘You are so weird.’

‘You thought a song was about being a bumble bee!’

‘It could happen. I even made up a dance about being a bee.’

‘Don’t show m –’ I tucked my arms in like a t-rex and moved around like a bee. ‘That is so … bad. You look like a spastic.’

‘This dance is fantastic. My favourite part is when they go “celebrate like I’m a bee!” and then I like to think about bees celebrating.’

‘Are we actually still talking about this?’

‘We are. What are we doing this weekend?’

‘Getting smashed.’

‘Celebrating like bees?’

‘No. Bees do not celebrate. They work all day for the dictator queen bee. It’s actually quite a sad existence, constantly working. It’s like a communist country, a bee hive.’

‘You’re ruining the song for me.’

‘No, you’re ruining the song by making it about bees!’

‘Agree to disagree.’ He shook his head. ‘I don’t think this guy I fancy likes me.’

‘Dick.’

‘I know.’

Lad Boy had finally stopped asking about Langdon when it became obvious that we were no longer sleeping together, thus making all jokes immediately less funny and just a little bit hurtful actually. ‘Why do you think he doesn’t like you?’

Before he could finish asking I had pulled out my phone. ‘Look at these text messages … so there’s this friend of his that keeps asking me out and I keep saying no, because, well no. And then this.’ I shoved the phone in front of Lad Boy so he could read the following correspondence.

[Quick sidenote. Names. Two new very good friends of mine who will frequently be mentioned in the blog starting shortly. One is the boy I fancy and the other is our friend. The one I fancy I will more likely than not sleep with, or maybe not. He’s a bit like Lad Boy in that he’s extremely attractive and I fancied him at first, but now I’m not sure if we’ll just end up being really good friends or what. Either way, I’m naming them both after tube stations because they’re good mates. The hot one I want to sleep with is going to be Richmond, or Rich and the other one, who is such a sweetheart and as entertaining as the show Fresh Meat is going to be called St. Paul’s, or Paul.]

First, my text:

[His friend’s name here] asked me if I was going to gatecrash Paul’s date this weekend and if I wanted to be his date and I told him that you were already my gate-crashing date xx

To which Rich replied:

Ha, I can’t believe you let him down. I told him he had a chance with you! x x

[Keep up now, this is going to be a me then him type of text message dialogue:]

Why do you keep trying to set me up to him?! xx

I’m trying to set you two up to get you off of my back! You’re so short, I’m so tall. It would never work … So sorry! Xx

Fine, conceited! As if I would date you. You’re like giant tall, not hot tall. I can’t handle freaks xx

So what are we going to do to embarrass Paul on this date? Should we act like total mentalists? You can pull that funny face you were making last night hahaha xx

I wish I could be there in person to pull that face and say ‘Why don’t you like me? Is it my hair? Because I can cut that you know.’ Maybe I will take [the guy that keeps asking me out] since you’ve made your feelings about me clear! I’m lying. Pleasedontmakemegowithhim xx

I just burst out laughing imagining you doing that :) Oh I’ll be there and I’m going to look goooood! Xx

I hope everyone around you at work judged you for laughing out loud. You say you’re going to look good like it’s hard to do. I mean it might be hard for you, but it’s like breathing for me xx

I’m about to drop some knowledge on your ass, so grab a pen and paper. Normal people dressing smart hit the ugly ceiling, they will never break this barrier, however cool the clothes on their back may be. I, on the other hand, make clothes look good and with the combination of my beauty and a minimal amount of effort placed into a suitable little ensemble my swagger has no limits xx

‘This guy is a douche.’ Lad Boy said.

‘Keep reading! I get funnier. Look what I wrote next!’

Noted. I’m confused. Did you just call me ugly?! xx

‘That’s not funny.’ Lad Boy said.

‘No, the next part after his next text.’

OMG the world just revolves around you doesn’t it :) No, it was one good looking person talking with another xx

‘He fancies you.’

‘So what! Look at my response!’

Lad Boy sighed and read on.

Oh good, you’ve realised that the world does literally revolve around me. I’m like a tiny planet and my ego makes up the atmosphere. You should also know that I don’t hang out with uggos. That’s the closest thing you’ll get to me agreeing that you’re good looking xx

‘Wait, you think he likes me?’ I said, forgetting my witty retort.

Lad Boy frowned. ‘I’ve never written a text as long as half of the ones he sent you in the space of what I presume to be an hour. His texts are so close together that there isn’t even a time stamp!’

‘I hate that about iPhones. I want to know exact times.’

‘Anyway.’ Lad Boy said, elongating the word. ‘The point is that he likes you.’

‘Well, what’s not to like?’

He laughed. ‘So you being a planet wasn’t ironic?’

‘Nothing I do is ironic. I’m not a Shoreditch wanker.’

‘This is true.’

‘Though I kind of want to be so I can be on Made in Shoreditch.’

‘What is your obsession with reality television?’

‘I. Do. NOT. Have a problem! I do love Made in Chelsea though.’

‘I. Know. You talk about it way too much.’

‘My friend went to school with Spencer.’

‘Half of our friends went to school with Spencer – he went to fucking Eton!’

‘Oh yeah. BUT, this friend had art classes with Spencer. Did you know Spencer learned how to play chess from P. Diddy?’

‘I don’t care … but that is awesome.’

‘I know, right? I wish P. Diddy would teach me anything.’

‘Anything?’ He said, raising his eyebrows.

‘Don’t go there.’

‘I’m going.’

‘No! You know I hate vulgarity!’

‘Prude.’

‘Hardly.’

‘Ha, I’m kidding. You’re a schlagggg.’

I punched him in the arm. ‘What?!’

‘Kidding!’

‘I am a little bit though.’ I said.

‘Just a little bit though.’ He said, patting me on the shoulder. He looked down towards my chest. ‘Are you wearing two bras?’

‘Yes. Don’t my boobs look massive?’

‘They do.’ He said, poking my bra.

‘I can’t even feel that. Too much bra.’

‘That is a lot of bra.’ He said, poking it again.

‘Okay, stop poking me.’

‘It’s fun.’

‘Good, the more fun the better. They’re meant to be attracting people.’

‘They’re huge.’

‘They aren’t really.’

‘Yeah, but to the untrained eye, they are just ... yeah.’

‘Exactly.’

‘Did you put those on just to hang out at yours?’

‘Well it kind of hurts so I’m seeing if it’s realistic that I can wear them or not. I’m thinking not. They’re almost too big.’

‘No such thing.’

‘Oh really?’

Five minutes of YouPorn later … ‘Okay, there is such a thing as too big.’ Lad Boy admitted.

‘Thank you … oh and I lied earlier.’

‘About not caring whether or not this guy you clearly like, gauging by your text messages, likes you.’

‘I … don’t … well … Black Eyed Peas aren’t my favourite anymore!’

‘Oh really?’ Lad Boy said, stifling laugher.

‘No.’ I said, sitting tall and taking a sip of tea. ‘I much prefer listening to Tchaikovsky for eternity.’

Lad Boy laughed then looked at me. ‘Oh. You’re serious. Hm. Well, maybe.’

Sex After Oxbridge

2011-10-11T09:38:00.000+01:00

I pulled out my sunnies and put them on as I sprawled out on the lawn in Hyde Park whilst Lad Boy read a paper.

‘I need a gap year.’ I said, exhaling heavily.

‘Agreed.’ Lad Boy said.

‘Whatever. You already have a job!’

‘I know.’ He said, sadly.

‘What am I going to do?’

‘Weren’t you offered a lot of jobs?’

‘I was. Didn’t want them. I don’t want to work! One of the offers was in a bank. I don’t want to work in a bank! I want to work outside.’

‘It’s going to be winter soon.’

I looked around. We were barely in any clothes it was so hot. ‘Really? You have to remind me of that now? When it’s a million degrees out?’

‘There’s no way it’s “a million degrees” right now.’ He said, flipping a page in the Metro he was reading. ‘You obviously can’t work in a bank because you have no sense of numerical value.’

‘It feels like Africa out here.’ I moaned. ‘It’s so hotttt.’

‘My mum said that the other day.’

‘Said what?’

‘That it felt like Africa. Then I asked her if she had ever been to Africa and she said no … Idiot.’

‘I’ve never been to Africa.’

‘Then how can you say this feels like Africa?’

‘I watched that Ewan McGregor documentary. It looked the way it feels right now.’

He laughed, still looking at the paper. ‘You are ridiculous.’

‘You’re ridiculous.’

‘My mum said that too.’

‘Maybe she’s my twin.’

‘You guys are oddly similar.’

‘Is that weird?’ I asked.

‘It kind of is.’

‘A bit awkward, I agree.’ There was a brief moment of silence. ‘What does my horoscope say?’

‘Don’t care.’

‘Come onnn.’ I said. ‘Read it to meee.’

‘It says that you’re a bus wanker.’

‘I did take the bus today.’

He put the paper down. ‘So what is your plan exactly? How long are your parents going to foot the bill for your rent until you get a job?’

‘Forever I hope.’ I said. ‘Might write a book.’

He laughed. ‘Yeah right. On what?’

I looked to my left and raised my eyebrows a bit. ‘Stuff.’

‘Sounds like a best seller.’

‘I do like writing though.’

‘Really? Didn’t you do engineering or something?’

‘Try “or something” … I thought you were my best friend!’

‘It pains me to say that you’re my best mate.’

‘You mean it hurts your heart because you love me so much?’

‘That’s definitely not what I mean.’

‘You totally love me. And I love you. You’re like the brother I never wanted.’

‘Cheers!’

‘Let’s go travelling.’

‘Where?’

‘Anywhere. We could go to Amsterdam again. Get a group together.’

‘Wasn’t really keen on Amsterdam last time we went.’

‘The image of that sex show is still burned into my mind.’

‘Everything is burned into your mind. You’re like an elephant. You never forget anything.’

‘This is true. It can be convenient.’

‘It can be annoying!’ I frowned. ‘I can’t get away with anything!’

I shrugged and grabbed the paper, turning to the horoscopes. ‘Apparently I will be very successful today … and you will be a massive bender … so pretty much like every day for you, really.’

‘There’s no way it says bender.’

‘Fine, you’re right. It says bumder. Let’s go hang out in Chelsea and see if we can run into the Made in Chelsea cast.’

‘Let’s not do that.’

‘You’re no fun.’

‘Saw that Ollie guy at a bar once, he was a bit of a knob.’

‘You tell me this story every time I tell you I like Made in Chelsea.’

‘Then stop telling me how much you like that show. It’s shit.’

‘You’re shit.’

‘Yep,’ he said, grabbing the paper back, ‘nice one.’

‘It’s literally like the Sahara desert out here.’

‘It literally is not. Do you even know where the Sahara desert is?’

‘… Africa?’ I said, squinting and looking up as I thought about it.

‘Yes, but your obvious doubt in that answer proves you’re an idiot. How did they let you graduate?’

‘How did they let you graduate?!’

‘Because I’m clever.’

‘Yeah, well you’re also … boring.’

‘I’m clearly not.’

‘That’s true. I wouldn’t hang out with you if you were.’

This incessant banter continued for the better part of an hour before we made our way back to mine and I cooked Lad Boy a pizza and we sat drinking beer and watching telly.

Quite an exciting existence I lead here in London now (irony intended, as Lad Boy and I clearly do exactly what we’ve always done – just in another city). I had considered staying in Oxbridge for further education, but after the stress of exams and the drama of ex-boyfriends I needed a change. Didn’t exactly venture far, but once you’re out of the uni bubble you see that you’ve been living a kind of pseudo independence. My kitchen may be stocked with meals for one, squash and beer, but who cares? It’s my kitchen.

I wasn’t lying to Lad Boy when I said I wanted to write. I love writing, and just because I’m not in Oxbridge anymore doesn’t mean I won’t have sex. Frankly, I doubt even half of the people who read this blog are actually in Oxbridge at the moment either, so to be fair my life now relates to a much broader audience. Like Lad Boy said, I have a horrible sense of numerical value and statistics, but I’m quite sure the population of London is much higher than the population of undergraduates in Oxford and Cambridge.

I’ve always loved London and romanticised the notion of moving here. I never thought it could be as fantastic as it actually is though. Like every year, the main cast of my blog is going to change naturally, and more so now that I’m in London, but a fair amount of past characters are in London now, and the majority of the people I’ve been blogging about as of late are from London anyway. I’m working on a glossary to help with character recognition.

I wouldn’t say that I followed my best mate, but having Lad Boy in my life is the saving grace to some of the drama that seems to follow me around wherever I go. Sometimes I feel as if my life is the perfect storm. Calm and serene one moment and in a flurry of rage and disaster the next. I’m trying to work on that and make things a bit more stable, which is why I wanted a fresh start.

London life, unlike college life, is simple. It’s private. People don’t have to know everything about you. Being a stranger is a refreshing break from having the daily displeasure of having to deal with people you don’t really like, and with having to have everybody know (or think they know) all about you. There’s clearly a lot that no one knows about me.

Telling Lad Boy I wanted to be a writer is the closest I’ve ever come to admitting I write a blog. After juggling work, play and this for almost two years now I think it’s time to give writing a go with the work and perseverance I’ve put into uni for the past however many years. (See? Bad with numbers.)

The main problem is that I’m not seeing anyone, and I’m not sleeping with anyone. Langdon was literally the last person I slept with. Boring, I know. This better not be what London life is going to be like forever. Though, knowing myself that’s highly doubtful to be the case.

With moving and job-searching, life has been hectic. Hence the radio silence. I’m not dead, I’m not in Oxbridge, and I’m not going to stop writing. I think people take the piss out of gap yahs, but to be fair, Oxbridge was not exactly the easiest years of my life, and I’m not about to go jump into some graduate scheme and start my life of freedom right back in a classroom. That’s just not who I am. So you can have PWC, I’d rather be renting out deck chairs in Hyde Park.

Urban Dater guest post

2011-09-16T19:28:00.001+01:00

My new post is on a different website. Confused. com, I know. But it's going to be okay. Go here:

http://theurbandater.com/dating-relationships/ridin-solo.php/#more-4020

Bonus points to whoever can guess who is who in the post. Hint: the one who took me months to get over's name starts with D and ends with -ale.

Mejor Sola Que Mal Acompañada

2011-09-07T12:21:00.001+01:00

‘What are you doing this weekend?’ I asked, taking a bite of an apple. What I heard on the other end of the phone sounded like random noise. ‘What?’

I heard some fumbling and the pressing of a button. ‘Sorry, you were on speaker.’

‘For how long?’ I frowned.

‘Awhile.’ Lad Boy said. ‘Anyway, I’m going to Cornwall with the family this weekend.’

I frowned again. ‘What am I suppose to do?’

He laughed. ‘Why don’t you hang out with your own family?’

‘I see them all the time.’ I said. ‘I want to go to Cornwall!’

‘Stop whinging.’

‘Fine. I’ll just go hang out with your friends. They like me better anyway.’

‘I know. It’s quite annoying. Brix is back in London.’

‘Oh really?’

‘Yeah, give him a shout. He’ll be kicking around.’

‘I need a car.’

‘You can’t drive.’

‘I know, but the train from here to London is boring.’

‘It’s probably quicker.’

‘Hmm.’ I pondered. ‘What are you doing tonight?’

‘Nothing. I feel horrendous after last night.’

‘I know. I think I’m still drunk.’ I said, putting the apple down. I’d gone off of it.

‘You can come over if you like, but I’ll probably go to bed in about an hour.’

‘Tempting, but I think I’ll stay here.’ I said, rubbing Alex’s head. He was resting all his weight on his paw, which was on my left foot, but it was no matter. I had lost feeling in it about a minute earlier and was too hungover to be bothered by it.

‘Suit yourself.’

‘Have fun this weekend.’ I said.

‘You too. Don’t get into too much trouble.’

‘You know me.’

‘Exactly … so don’t get into too much trouble. I’ll talk to you when I get back.’

‘Alright, byeeee.’

‘Bye.’

I hung up and looked down at Alex von Banterquith. Looking back at me he did a bit of a side to side shuffle with his front paws, getting excited at the attention. All it took was looking into his eyes to make him feel special. ‘I love you!’ I said, rubbing behind his ears. He jumped up and licked my cheek. ‘Ugh!’ I said, wiping it off. ‘Walk!’ I said quickly and he bounded off towards the door. I ran after him, quickly putting on his lead before being dragged out the door by my right arm.

The next morning I sat drinking coffee with Alex resting in my lap. I rang Brix.

‘Alright, mate?’ He said, enthusiastically into the phone.

‘Hey stranger, how are you?’

‘Good, good. Just got home the other night.’

‘How was your trip?’

‘Amazing. Really good.’

‘You’ll have to tell me all about it.’

‘I will.’ He agreed. ‘What are you up to this weekend?’

‘That’s why I’m calling. I’m not up to much really, how about you?’

‘Meeting up with a friend for coffee in about an hour then going out tonight, want to come along?’

‘Sure. Mind if I crash at yours?’

‘No, that’s fine. Why don’t you come over about seven?’

‘Sounds good, see you then.’

‘Bye, mate.’ He said and hung up.

I looked at my watch. It was still morning. Alex was mindlessly licking his paw. ‘As exiting as watching you do that all day is, I think I’m gonna go.’ He looked up at me and opened his mouth and started panting and smiling. I love dogs that look like they’re smiling. ‘Look at that face.’ I said, petting him. I was suddenly overcome with wanting to spend more time with Alex so I said, ‘Walk?’ excitedly and he jumped up, stepping on me in an attempt to bound off of the sofa and towards the door. ‘Agh!’ I yelled as his paw dug into my hip. I limped off towards the door after him.

As Alex ran aimlessly around a park I phoned Millie. ‘Hey, I’m coming to London today, what are you up to?’

‘There’s an exhibition near Covent Garden, want to come along?’

‘What is it?’

‘It’s called the Museum of Broken Relationships. Sounds a bit creepy, but apparently it’s really good.’

‘Intriguing. Sounds good to me. I’m just at home at the moment, when did you want to go?’

‘I can go whenever. When do you think you’ll get to London?’

‘In about an hour or so? Shall I text you when I’m on the train?’

‘Great, speak to you then.’

I called to Alex and headed back home to change.

Once I was almost to London I texted Millie my estimated time of arrival and got the Picadilly line as soon as I was there. I hate the underground on the weekend. Crowded and hot, I stood up against the back door, clutching the blue railing for support. The trip to Covent Garden wasn’t long, but once there I was immediately faced with a wall of people queuing for the elevator. There was a sign which pointed towards the stairs and I shrugged. How far below ground could we be?

Fucking far, is the answer to that daft question.

Halfway up I encountered a girl who looked about my age, panting and resting against the wall. ‘This was a bad choice.’ I said to her, sympathetically. She nodded sadly, and I continued climbing past her. With each flight of stairs I became increasingly sceptical and terrified of the underground. No one should be that far below ground. Seems entirely too dangerous. I finally emerged at the top, only to be faced by a second mini-flight of stairs which was a bit of a slap to the face, but the barriers weren’t far off and I triumphantly swiped my oyster card and emerged into the crowds of Covent Garden. I rang Millie.

‘Hi … I’m here.’ I said, out of breath.

‘I’m in the Starbucks down the street.’ She gave me detailed directions and I found her.

‘So I thought I’d be clever and avoid the queue for the elevator and take the stairs.’

‘Me too!’ Millie said laughing.

‘Horrible decision. It was like Dante’s Inferno!’ I cried.

She laughed. ‘I couldn’t believe how many stairs there were!’

‘I need some water.’ I said, looking around hopelessly at the sea of lattes and black coffees around me. I walked to where you pick up your orders and asked for some tap water, refusing to queue for five minutes to buy a bottle of water for two quid.

Hydrated and fully recovered we walked towards the museum. ‘So what is this about? Broken relationships?’

‘Well … sort of. Apparently people send in things that they’re ex boyfriends or girlfriends gave to them or left behind after the breakup.’

‘I’ve got a few things that could go into that museum.’ I said, sipping my water. ‘Cards, jumpers, shirts, books. I should just dump it all.’

‘You should.’ Millie agreed.

‘But Dale’s jumper is so comfortable.’

‘You wear his jumper still?’

‘No, it’s packed away in a box somewhere. I don’t think I’ll ever wear it again. I don’t even know if he knows I have it. I took it after a … you know, never mind. It’s irrelevant. I’ll burn it.’

‘Give it to charity.’

‘That’s definitely a better, more socially conscious choice. But I’ll probably just bin it. Out of spite.’

‘Spite of people who need charity?’

‘Good point. I’ll take it to Oxfam.’

We got to the museum and it was indeed what Millie had described, and incredibly fascinating. Aside from the occasional typo in the descriptions of the items, I loved it. It was like walking through memories. All those stupid little memories that seem insignificant were given the forum to be something more. It was amazing how many people were there as well. Apparently heartbreak was universal and not just confined to me and my whirlwind romances. A few descriptions were a bit melodramatic, but then again go back in the blog to March and April and tell me that’s not melodramatic.

What struck me the most was that out of all this heartbreak came a common sentiment: I’d rather be alone than go through that again. A photographer from Hong Kong had put together an album of pictures for his ex-girlfriend whose name meant Colour, and all of his photos were of things with the word ‘colour’ … or ‘color’ in Hong Kong … in them. In the end I don’t think he ever gave them to her, and expressed no desire to feel that way about anyone else again.

The one that was perhaps the most blatant portrayal of this was a sign that had been hand-painted in Mexico which read, Mejor sola que mal acompañada, or I’m better alone than in bad company. That’s a bit more realistic than ‘I’ll never love again!’ Though I couldn’t help but recognise some of the complete despair and hopelessness of certain descriptions. Heartbreak is so easy to wallow in, and I’m not even sure what it is that snapped me out of it, aside from the realisation that I’m entirely too important to waste another moment worrying about why things didn’t work out with someone. I rather like ‘mejor sola que mal acompañada’ as a motto in life.

Saying that, though, I went on to spend the next day in some pretty dull company, but that’ll come later.

I walked out of the museum and found Millie waiting outside. ‘Interesting.’ I said.

‘It was kind of sad.’

‘It was. But some things were funny. I liked the Zombie Survival Pack.’

She laughed, ‘That was good.’

‘What do you want to do now?’

‘Don’t mind.’

‘Pub?’

‘Sure.’

We wandered away from the crowds of Covent Garden to a tiny hole-in-the-wall pub nearby that I had found by accident once when trying to escape from a flash flood. It was relatively uncrowded so we got our drinks and went outside to perch in the sun.

‘Oh! I brought you that book I was telling you about.’ She pulled it out of her bag and handed it to me. I looked at the copy of What Is He thinking?! and laughed. ‘I didn’t buy it!’ She said, quickly.

‘Sure.’ I said, smiling.

‘It came for free with a Cosmo magazine.’

‘I think I’d judge you less for buying this book than I do for buying Cosmo. Thanks for this though. Have you read How To Be A Woman yet?’

‘Not yet, no.’

‘I never want to have children after reading one of the chapters.’

‘Really?!’

I nodded solemnly. ‘It. Is. BAD. Like, really bad. Like, so bad that I wanted to go give my mum a hug after I read it.’

‘What happened?!’

‘Well to be fair she admits that she knew nothing about childbirth and thought she was going to die and didn’t actually believe that a baby could come through your cervix.’

‘Babies come through your cervix?!’

‘Apparently. I don’t know! I don’t think I want to know.’

‘Good lord.’ She said, sipping her drink.

‘Though she did go on to have another baby and said that was better, but the horrific tale of the first one is enough to make me want to wait until there’s something like The Island going on and I can have a clone of myself be the surrogate.’

‘Don’t they kill all the clones in that?’

‘Oh yeah. Well, I just hope modern technology figures something out. Is it bad that I’m the kind of person that would schedule a caesarean pregnancy?’

‘I think I might be too posh to push.’ She admitted sheepishly.

‘Is that bad? I don’t know! If you don’t have to push them out, why would you?!’

‘Exactly! It sounds painful.’

‘It sounds excruciating. But, at least I have no need to worry about babies in the immediate future. I don’t want one for at least ten years.’

She laughed. ‘Getting a husband first would help.’

‘Overrated. The whole thing seems overrated. I have things to do, I can’t be worried about making sure my life is on par and parallel with someone else’s right now. I mean, honestly – say I meet someone and we fall in love. That’s fine, but I have a lot of things I want to do other than be in love, and I can’t honestly say that I would prioritise the rest of my life over the love of my life as much as I’d like to say I could. It’s just not how I am when I’m in love, so why risk not doing other things for the sake of being someone’s other half. I’m whole person on my own! … This is getting a bit preachy, I’m sorry.’

She laughed again, ‘It’s a fair point. But my aunt is older and not married, and she probably won’t ever marry. I really don’t want to end up like that.’

‘I don’t think anyone wants to end up like that to be honest. But, why worry about that when you’re in your twenties? I don’t think I’m stable enough right now to commit to someone for the rest of my life. I’m bound to be a completely different person in the next few years, so why worry about that kind of thing now?’

‘I guess.’

‘I am right. Admit it. I am always right.’

Laughing, she finished her drink. ‘Shall we move on?’

‘We shall. I need to find Brix at some point.’ I gave Brix a missed call and we continued back towards the masses. ‘Want to go sit in Trafalgar Square?’

‘Sure.’ Millie said. We stood, staring at the fountain. ‘Why would you want to come here as a tourist? It’s just a bunch of statues and water. And that London 2012 countdown thing is so shit. I mean, really? That’s what they chose? Look at the ship in the bottle up there, that’s more representative of London, not some crap faux art.’

‘Wow, Mills. Never realised you were so passionate about these things.’

‘It is shit though, isn’t it?’

‘Maybe they’ll tear it down after 2012.’

‘I hope so.’

I laughed and my phone began to ring. ‘Hello Mr. Brixton.’

‘Hey, where are you?’

‘Trafalgar Square.’

‘Random.’

‘What are you doing?’

‘I’m actually just down near Charing Cross, want to meet me here?’

‘Sure thing.’ I hung up and turned to Millie. ‘Shall we make a move? I feel like this place is angering you.’

She laughed. ‘Yes, let’s go.’

I got to where I was meeting Brix. ‘What are you doing tonight?’

‘Not sure, I’ll text you.’

‘Alright, speak to you later.’

She left and I had a look through the book she had given me before I heard, ‘There she is!’

I looked up and smiled as Brix came up to kiss me hello. He wrapped his arms around me and lifted me up. I laughed, ‘Good to see you!’

‘You too!’ We caught each other up on what had been happening since we saw each other last as we walked to the underground to head to his.

Once on the train he turned to me and said, ‘So what’s happening with Langdon? Before I left you guys were a bit … close …’

My face turned slightly red out of embarrassment. I rolled my eyes. ‘Well, we might have slept together.’

He laughed. ‘Brilliant. I knew that would happen.’

‘Oh did you?’

‘Yes. So are you guys dating now?’

This was about the tenth time in three days that I had had this conversation. ‘No. We’re not dating. I’m not really sure I even like him to be honest.’

‘Why not? I think he’s really attractive!’

I laughed. ‘Then why don’t you date him?’

‘Maybe I will!’

‘He acts like he uses The Game as his bible.’

Brix laughed loudly. ‘He probably does.’

‘And that is why we are not dating.’

‘So you don’t mind if I set him up with a friend of mine?’

‘Not at all.’

‘You two would make a shit couple anyway.’ I smiled. I was fairly sure that Brix liked me, or at least had liked me at one point, and thus I wasn’t surprised by him trying to dissuade me from being with Langdon. I decided to drop the subject though.

‘So what’s the plan tonight?’

‘Have a few beers at mine and head out? There’s predrinks, but it’s on the other side of town and the underground is a nightmare so I figure just drink at mine first. I think Langdon is coming over as well.’

‘Sounds fine to me.’ I couldn’t escape Langdon. He was everywhere. This is why you should date outside of your circle of immediate friends. And by date I mean shag.

We got back to Brix’s and I watched telly while he showered. Eventually he emerged, fresh and clean. ‘Beer?’ He offered.

‘Sure … When is Langdon coming over?’

He came back with a beer and a smirk. ‘Why don’t you call him if you’re so keen to see him.’

‘I’m not.’ I said as nonchalantly as I could. ‘Just thought it would be fun to play some drinking games so was wondering when he’s going to show.’

‘Just spoke to him, he should be here soon. We can play a game.’

‘Okay!’ I said, getting up off the chair I was in to join him on the sofa.

Brix got up to get some cards and shuffled them as he walked back towards me. ‘It’s pretty complicated. Basically each person takes a turn, and you guess red or black before you pick up a card. If you guess incorrectly you have to drink.’

I sat waiting for more instructions. ‘… Is that it?’

‘That’s it.’ He said, smiling.

I laughed. ‘Alright.’

Fifteen minutes and a couple of beers later there was a knock at the door. Brix jumped up to answer it and I reshuffled the cards. Langdon walked in. ‘Alright ugly?’ He asked sitting down next to me.

‘Look Neil Strauss, stop playing this Game-theory nonsense with me. It won’t work. And stop calling me ugly.’

‘What about fatty?’

‘That’s not even clever, I’m not fat.’

‘It’s funny though in its irony.’

‘Well unless you want me to regress into my aggressively anorexic ways I suggest you don’t.’

I could see throwing the anorexic card at him had worked. His face changed for a moment and then he said, ‘Well maybe you should.’ Then pausing and saying, ‘I’m just kidding. You’re not fat.’

‘I know.’ I said, taking a sip of my beer.

‘You are a bit stupid though.’

‘Ugly, fat and stupid. Could you be any less creative with your insults? Maybe go back and read The Game again, you clearly haven’t studied it well. I could probably pick up girls easier than you could with your shit chat.’

‘This flirting is getting really boring, please stop.’ Brix said. He was sat on a chair across from Langdon and I, with a painfully bored expression.

‘New game?’ I asked, looking back up at Brix.

‘Now that there’s three of us I have a better one.’ Brix explained it and I immediately proved to be better at it than both of them, which clearly upset them.

Brix got up to go to the toilet and as soon as he was out of the room Langdon had his arms around me and was kissing me. I heard the bathroom door open and pushed him off of me. ‘Stop it.’

He laughed. ‘What?’

Brix walked back in and looked at us suspiciously. ‘What are you guys doing?’

‘Nothing.’ I said quickly. ‘I set up the game again.’

‘You did that before I left.’

‘Do you want to play or not?’

‘We need more beer.’ Brix said, looking around and left again.

I sat back against the sofa, and Langdon leaned back next to me, turning his head to look at me. He leaned forwards and kissed me. I leaned away and pushed him lightly. He swung his knee sideways to hit it against mine and I laughed. ‘Ow!’

‘That didn’t hurt.’ He said, squeezing my knee.

I laughed and Brix walked in and immediately rolled his eyes. ‘Right. I need the toilet.’ Langdon announced, standing up.

‘You two can’t sit next to each other anymore. I can’t take this. Go sit over there.’

I laughed. ‘Why don’t you sit here? Put Langdon over there, he’s the problem.’

‘That’s probably true.’ Brix said, and sat down next to me.

Langdon came back in and took the seat opposite us without questioning. We continued our game until we were out of beer and I went to Brix’s room to grab a coat.

‘Come on!’ I heard from the doorway. ‘We’re leaving!’

‘Okay!’ I yelled back. In a panic, I grabbed a tenner and ran for the door, neglecting to pick up my phone, oyster card, and a “call this number if found” note with Brix’s number that he had jokingly put out for me. I only realised I was missing pretty much every essential to a night out once we were at the bus stop. It was too far to go back, and I had ten pounds so that was surely enough to get me through the evening.

Three buses later and I still had the tenner, having been able to talk my way onto each bus with a different excuse each time for why I had no oyster card. My theory is that the drivers really couldn’t care less who pays or not. Unless you look like a tramp or a serial killer I’m sure they’d take just about anyone along for the ride for free.

We got to the club and I immediately began feeling the effects of the drinking game. Brix came and handed me a beer and then introduced me to his friends. After numerous conversations with strangers I went to use the toilet, then came back down and had a chat for the better part of an hour with a friend I had run into randomly. Brix and Langdon had branched out into their respective groups, and when I turned around from the bar to look for them I realised I couldn’t see either of them anywhere. ‘Have you seen Brix?’ I asked my friend.

‘No, not recently. Why?’

‘Well, I’m meant to stay at his, but I have no phone, and now he appears to be gone.’

‘That could be a problem.’

‘I’ll be back.’ After a loop of the club I couldn’t find him. I would later find out that he was in the garden having a cigarette, but convinced that I had been abandoned, and too drunk to stay in the club, I left.

I played a game of bus roulette and hoped for the best. ‘Excuse me, I’m trying to get to [Brix’s side of London].’

‘This is the wrong bus. You need to get off and get this bus going in the opposite direction, and then get the blah blah and then the blah twenty blah.’ Is what I heard.

‘Okay.’ I said, confidently. I had aggressive hiccups, which was another reason I left the club, as it made me appear like a drunken mess. I was immediately taken less seriously, but at least the bus drivers stopped asking me for my oyster card and started being more helpful.

At least an hour later, on about leg three of the thousands of directions it seemed I had been given, I sighed heavily, looking at a map of the bus route. ‘Fuck it.’ I said to no one and hailed a taxi.

He rolled down the passenger side window and I said, ‘Excuse me,’ pausing only to hiccup, ‘but my purse and phone were stolen in the club I was in and I have no way of getting home. I’m terribly sorry to [hiccup] bother you, but is there any way you could take me to …’

He closed his eyes for a moment and gave an annoyed exhale. ‘Get in.’

‘Thank you so, so very much!’

He dropped me off at Brix’s door, but to my dismay Brix wasn’t home. I turned around to see the taxi driver watching and waiting. I walked back up to the window. ‘Do you have anywhere else to go?’

‘Well …’ I bit my lip. ‘It’s just down the street, I’m really, really, so, so sor – ’

‘Get in.’ He sighed.

He dropped me off at Langdon’s flat and a few seconds after pressing the button the door buzzed open. ‘Thank you!’ I shouted and waved to the driver.

‘Be careful!’ He yelled back and drove off.

‘Pfff.’ I exhaled to myself, knowing all too well that his advice was certainly what I needed. What had I been thinking? Wandering around alone at night without money or a phone.

Langdon’s brother, Warren, was standing at the door in his pyjama bottoms. ‘He’s in his room.’

‘I’m really sorry. I can’t get a hold of Brix, and –’

‘It’s okay.’ He said, patting me on the shoulder.

He went back to bed and I walked into the sitting room, collapsing on the sofa. What if Langdon isn’t alone? Maybe he brought someone back. I should sleep here … But why would Warren tell me that he’s here if he’s with someone else? Ugh. I got up and went to Langdon’s room, slowly pushing open the door. He was alone. I exhaled and climbed into bed. He turned over and looked at me.

‘Hello.’ He said, unsurprised.

‘Hi.’ We started kissing and within minutes my pants were off but my dress was still on. A couple of minutes later, however, our enthusiasm had waned and drunken knackeredness had taken over. I rolled towards the wall and he put his arm around me, linking his hand in mine and falling back to sleep quickly.

Blinking my eyes groggily in the grey morning I could hear rain outside and could see my pants lying, strewn aside on top of the duvet. What. The fu—

Langdon rolled onto his back and turned his head towards me, opening his eyes. He frowned for a moment then pulled me closer to him and wrapped his arms around me. I rested my head on his chest and his breathing went back to a sleepy rhythm. I fell asleep again, and was woken up some time later by Langdon’s mobile. Langdon didn’t hear it, so I shook him until he woke up, handing him the phone that has ‘Brix’ blinking on the screen.

Langdon answered with a groan. ‘…Yeah mate … Well, I’m really confused … [My name] is in my bed.’ He rubbed my back with his spare hand. ‘…No, she’s not safe. No one is safe in my bed.’ He laughed. ‘Yeah, alright. I’ll tell her … Bye.’

‘Tell me what?’

‘Nothing.’ He said, closing his eyes and rolling over to rest his head above mine.

I laughed. ‘Tell me.’ I said, shaking him.

‘Go back to sleep.’

‘I’m awake. Have sex with me, I’m bored.’

He rolled onto his back. ‘Why don’t you just play with it for awhile.’ He suggested, pulling the covers off of him.

I laughed. ‘That sounds really boring. Why don’t you make me breakfast?’ He exhaled loudly, sitting up.

‘Fine.’ He said, and got up, fumbling around to find pyjama bottoms to put on.

He left the room and I rolled over, reaching for my pants. I put them back on and got up. When I walked out I was greeted by Warren sitting on the sofa. ‘Morning.’

‘I’m terribly sorry that I woke you up last night.’

‘Don’t worry about it. Want to play fifa?’

‘Sure.’ I sat down with him and started selecting my team.

Langdon came in and checked on the breakfast Warren had started cooking. He sprawled out on the sofa next to ours and said, ‘You’re doing it wrong, let me help you.’

I knew it was a trap, but I was too hungover to deal with football anyway so I handed the controller to Langdon. He laughed. ‘Sucker.’

Unbothered, I watched them play. Langdon lost the first match, which he claimed was due to my shit choice in players. We had breakfast and then Warren and Langdon played a rematch. Warren lost and stormed out after calling Langdon a dick. I suppressed laughter until he had left.

‘He’s such a sore loser.’ Langdon said.

‘I hadn’t gathered that.’

We watched telly for awhile, which was fine until he put some shit Channel 4 film on. ‘You’re joking right?’ I said.

‘This film is brilliant.’ He argued.

Warren came in, took a look at the telly and then announced, ‘I’m going out.’

‘Where?’ Langdon asked.

‘Just out for a walk.’

‘Can I come?’ Langdon asked like the tag-along younger brother that he is.

‘No.’ Warren said.

‘Fine, mate. Suit yourself.’ Langdon said, turning back to the telly.

‘See you soon.’ Warren said to me.

‘Bye.’ I replied. A few minutes later I was bored to tears by the film. ‘This film is awful.’ I groaned, but it was to no avail as I had to suffer through the rest of it. The last straw came when Langdon put on GoldTV. ‘I’m not watching Only Fools and Horses.’

‘Why not? This is a great programme.’

I got up and started collecting my things. I walked over to where he was lying and crawled on top of him, wrapping my arms around him. ‘I’m leaving. Thanks for breakfast.’

‘You’re welcome.’ He paused, then asked sceptically, ‘Why are you being nice?’

‘Figured I’d try not being mean to you for a bit.’

‘Why?’

‘Don’t know. It probably won’t last long though.’ I looked up at him and he kissed me. I ran my hand through the back of his hair and he ran his hand down my side and under my dress. After a few minutes I pulled away. ‘Do you want to go get a condom?’

‘Do you want to go get a condom?’

‘No. I don’t know where they are, and you have to put it on anyway, so you get it. I’ll be in charge of taking off my pants.’

‘Fine.’ Langdon said, wriggling out from underneath me to get up.

I upheld my part of the bargain and Langdon reappeared with a condom. ‘You have to be on top.’ Langdon said, sitting down.

‘Fine.’ I leaned over and switched off the telly.

‘Why did you do that?’

‘I’m not having sex with Only Fools and Horses playing in the background.’

‘Whatever.’ He said, pulling me on top of him and kissing me.

Sex with Langdon was much more fun when we were sober and it was in the light of day. Even with the insistence that I do all the work, after a couple of minutes I ended up on the bottom – my position of choice. It’s the lazy woman’s position. It was better than our previous encounters and afterward Langdon collapsed on my chest for awhile before looking up, kissing me, and then getting up.

I reached down for my pants and pulled them on, then stood up and put on my shoes before crossing the room to grab my coat. Langdon walked back in. ‘I wasn’t joking about leaving. I’ve got things to do.’

He laughed and walked over to me. ‘Suit yourself.’ He leaned down and kissed me and then walked me to the door. ‘See you later.’ He said, opening the door.

‘Byeee.’ I said, waving as I walked out.

I went to Brix’s house to collect my things and have a cup of tea while he took the piss out of me about Langdon some more. Once I had enough tea to make me quasi sober enough to brave public transport, I left.

I had bought the Saturday Times the day before and pulled out the magazine to read on the journey home. I was struck by an article by Hannah Betts, ‘Staying Solo is the Truly Brave Choice’.

I contemplated the notion after reading the article. Left, right, and centre it seemed that everyone was trying to justify a solo existence, or give reasons as to why they were too hurt to try love again. What about being too busy to be in love? I’ve never found it particularly difficult to find a relationship, but they’re just not as fun as one would imagine them to be. It entails having to constantly consider someone other than yourself. To be honest, I’m too selfish for that right now, so I’m not sure if being alone is the braver choice, but at least for me, it’s the easier choice.

And that’s how SAO sees it.

Pretty Standard Thursday Really

2011-09-05T17:07:00.002+01:00

‘I think I’m ill.’ Finch moaned.

‘You better not get me sick.’ Lad Boy said.

‘There’s no way that’s possible.’ I said. ‘He has man flu, so you’re safe.’

‘Ha. Ha.’ Lad Boy said.

‘What’s the plan?’ I asked, hopping up on the kitchen counter.

‘Well, Kate is coming over around seven thirty and I have a friend coming to stay tonight as well. He’s German. You’ll like him.’

I raised my eyebrows. ‘Oh really?’

‘She loves Germans.’ He said to Finch.

‘Oh, right. The big German from Oxbridge. You told me about him.’ Finch said, referring to Beisse.

‘I need a replacement German.’

‘He has a girlfriend.’ Lad Boy said, taking a bite out of his toast.

‘Pants.’ I said, sipping my tea. None of us were looking as if we were up for a big one, pre-partying with tea and toast and all.

Lad Boy’s phone rang. ‘Hey mate.’ He answered. ‘We’re going out to dinner, what are you up to tonight? … Yeah, mate. Come along … It’s a Pakistani restaurant … It’s really good, and you bring your own alcohol so that makes it cheaper.’ [Sidenote: that didn’t make it cheaper] ‘Just get on the tube. You’re near the line that takes you to it … Yeah, that one … Forty minutes? … Okay. See you soon.’ He hung up. ‘Gunner’s coming.’ (Gunner, short for Gunnersbury tube stop).

‘Yes!’ I said throwing my hands in the air in a “Huzzah!”-like manner. ‘I haven’t seen him in ages!’

‘Alright, keener, calm down.’ Lad Boy said. I stuck my tongue out. ‘Who else should we invite? Langdon?’

‘I think he’s working late tonight.’ Finch said.

‘Fair enough.’

I was slightly disappointed Langdon wouldn’t be coming, but got over it quickly and resumed my excitement to see Gunner. He was one of Lad Boy’s best mates, and we had all gone on holiday together to France one winter with some other friends. It still stands out as one of the best holidays of my life, despite terrible skiing crashes and being forced to learn to drive because our car was stuck in the snow and the others had to push whilst I steered the vehicle.

‘How are you and the Langers?’ Finch asked.

‘We aren’t anything.’

‘Oh really?’

‘Really.’ I said, hoping the subject would change.

We were all sat in the sitting room, or my bedroom, as it had come to be since term had ended, and Lad Boy’s phone rang.

‘Oh hey mate. I thought you were working late.’

I pretended not to know right away who he was speaking to. Lad Boy glanced at me then down at his trousers. ‘Yeah. A friend of mine is in town so we’re going to dinner at this nice restaurant. It’s bring your own alcohol so we’ll probably pick up some voddy or something to take with … Come along … Alright, mate, well let me know what you’ll decide … Yeah, we’ll probably leave my house in about thirty minutes … Cool, well just let me know … Cheers, bye.’

He hung up and said nothing. I wasn’t about to broach the subject myself so I continued talking to Finch. After half an hour Lad Boy’s phone rang again.

‘Yep, great. Just come to mine … Okay, see you soon.’ He hung up. ‘Your boyfriend is coming.’ He said to me.

‘He’s not my boyfriend!’

‘So you’re just fucking then?’

‘We’re not even doing that! Last time I went over to his he was like, “Oh let’s watch a film and then go to sleep.”’

‘Sounds pretty ideal, really.’ Finch said.

‘I was just like, this isn’t what we agreed to.’

Finch laughed. ‘Give me sex. Now.’

‘Precisely.’ I said. ‘I mean, I don’t do cuddling. I went over there for a specific reason.’

‘Harsh.’ Lad Boy said matter-of-factly.

‘It isn’t though, is it?’ I said. ‘If someone asks you to come over at ten at night, sex is implied!’

‘Alright Rapey McGee.’ Lad Boy said.

‘Oh shut up.’

‘So you guys aren’t dating then?’ Finch asked, confused.

‘No. And forget this “phasing out” thing.’

‘You gotta phase.’ Lad Boy said.

‘Why are you phasing?’ Finch asked. “Phasing” referred to the practice where one decides they don’t want to see someone any more so they slowly “phase” them out by not texting back immediately, making vague plans that they never see through, and other such phase-techniques as to not have to just be an adult about it and say, “Hey so I’m going to go this way and you go that way. It’s been fun.”

‘I prefer the full-stop approach actually.’ I said. ‘Just cut those ties.’

‘But that’ll make things so awkward.’ Finch said.

‘Nah. It’s not like he’s in love with me or anything.’

‘You never know.’ Finch said.

‘I am very loveable.’ I agreed. ‘But I think there’s a mutual disinterest between us.’

‘Fair enough.’ Finch nodded.

There was a knock on the door which saved me from further Langon-conversation.

‘It’s probably your boyfriend.’ Lad Boy said. Or maybe hadn’t saved me then.

‘Not answering.’ Finch said.

‘Not it.’ Lad Boy said.

‘What?’ I asked, missing the point of this game.

‘We’re not answering the door. We called it.’ Lad Boy said.

I groaned. We were all in close enough proximity of the door that Langdon could mostly likely hear the entire conversation. Further proven by the fact that he shouted ‘Boo!’ loudly as I opened the door.

I rolled my eyes. ‘Hello.’ I said, unenthusiastically.

‘Alright darling?’ He asked, hugging me.

I closed the door and followed him into the kitchen where Finch and Lad Boy had migrated for more tea. Moments later the door went again and Lad Boy hopped up to answer it.

‘Halo!’ I heard in a thick German accent. My heart thumped a bit. I missed Beisse.

‘Guys, this is Franz.’ (Just a random stereotypically German name).

‘Halo!’ He said, happily as he ducked through the doorway. He was one of the tallest people I’d ever seen.

The door went again and Lad Boy went to answer it as Finch and I entertained Franz. ‘Alright maaate?’ Lad Boy said, elongating his words.

I could hear Gunner laugh. ‘Hello.’ I could hear them pat each other on the back as they hugged. They have a precious bromance.

I jumped off the counter. ‘Excuse me.’ I said, and ran to the hallway. Finch excused himself to go home, being ill and all.

‘Hello!’ Gunner yelled, wrapping his arms around me.

‘Hi!’ I said, excitedly.

‘It’s been ages!’ He said, kissing me on the cheek.

‘At least a year.’ I agreed. I glanced over and could see Langdon watching us from the kitchen. I ignored this and turned back to Gunner.

We stood in the hallway talking some more before Kate finally showed up and we all left. There were six of us and we seemed to alternate walking in pairs. I first started walking with Kate, until we both realised that neither of us knew where we were going so I swapped with Lad Boy and joined Gunner in the second leg of our train of people. He put his arm around my shoulder and we talked about uni and travelling and the year ahead before Lad Boy announced that we were at the off-license and we all formed a line six across, waiting on the pavement to get to the other side of the road.

Once inside we broke into groups of three to decide our alcohol destiny. ‘I want vodka and cranberry.’ Lad Boy had announced as we walked in.

‘You have cystitis don’t you? Is that why you’ve been so ill?’ I asked. Gunner laughed and Lad Boy punched me in the shoulder. I laughed. ‘Ow! No denial. It’s cystitis. Knew it wasn’t man flu.’

Gunner, Franz and Lad Boy went off to buy the vodka and cranberry juice while Langdon, Kate and I looked around at the wine. After a couple of minutes discussing red or white or Pinot or Sauvignon I said, ‘Why don’t we just get vodka?’

‘Yeah, okay.’ Kate said.

‘Or whiskey?’ Langdon said.

‘Sure.’ I said, not really caring that much.

‘I can’t do whiskey.’ Kate said.

‘Gin?’ I offered.

‘No gin.’ Langdon said.

I sighed, exasperated. ‘Rum?’

‘I could do rum.’ Kate shrugged.

‘Malibu?’

‘Ugh.’ Kate said. ‘Reminds me of the other night actually.’

‘So, vodka?’ I said.

‘Yeah.’ They said simultaneously.

A similar discussion went on for about two minutes about mixers before we settled on cranberry as well. As we walked out Lad Boy had a look that was a mixture of amusement, annoyance, anger, and smugness on his face. ‘So. It took you ten minutes to decide what we decided the moment we walked through the door?’

‘Yes.’ I said, defeated.

We got back into pair formation and this time I was with Franz. We talked about how he knew Lad Boy and I told him all the German profanities I knew (courtesy of Beisse) which made him laugh.

‘You have a very good German accent!’

‘Really?’ I asked, surprised.

‘Yes, this is true.’

I laughed. I missed the German frankness in their way of speaking.

We got to the restaurant, which was apparently London’s worst kept secret as we walked in and there was a line wrapped around the interior. The host said something that sounded like ‘fifteen minutes’ but could have been ‘fifty.’ It ended up being about thirty so I really don’t know which it was still. We did what anyone would do in this situation and opened the vodka as we waited. It was perfectly acceptable, as it was just that kind of place. I stood talking with Gunner, who is one of the most charming boys you’ll ever meet. He had been travelling around all summer and was telling me about it all. As we were in a line and had to stand with our backs against a wall, talking to the person next to you was your only option of conversation, lest you broke out of the line and risked having someone’s meal shoved into your back by the waiters rushing by. Which we eventually all did, to the annoyance of the staff, who repeatedly came up to each of us individually asking how many in our party. At some point it appeared that we all had individual parties of six before they worked it out and showed us to our table.

There was no one I didn’t want to sit next to, which is a sign that you’re with a solid group. However, in typical Lad Boy fashion, he had to make sure the distribution of the two girls was even and placed Kate and I on opposite ends, forcing Langdon out of what became my seat and two seats down across from Kate, leaving me next to Franz and opposite Gunner. Franz immediately pulled out a pack of cigarettes and began teaching us a drinking game in which you throw the pack over a cup and get it to land upward on the other side. If anyone managed this, everyone drank.

This kept Franz, Gunner and I busy for a few minutes, with Lad Boy interjecting ever so often to try and give us a lesson on throwing technique. At one point I finished my drink and placed it down.

‘You didn’t EG!’ Gunner shouted.

‘So?’

‘It’s the rules, [my name here].’ Saying someone’s name at the end of a sentence immediately makes you more important and correct I feel. ‘Pour a new one and down it.’

‘Fine.’ I said, picking up my new drink.

‘[My name], no!’ Lad Boy shouted.

‘It’s the rules, mate.’ Gunner said.

‘Trust me, you don’t want her to do that.’ Lad Boy looked at me. ‘Stop trying to drink like a boy!’

‘Okay.’ I conceded and put my cup down. Lad Boy hadn’t forgotten about my vomcano two weekends before, but I put that down to mixing vodka and wine. Nevertheless, like the overbearing pseudo parent he was to me, he was correct that I shouldn’t be downing cups filled with vodka at the early hour of nine in the evening.

‘We’re out of alcohol.’ Franz announced.

A game of ‘noses not it’ ensued and somehow Franz lost, but being German and not a Londoner made the probability of him finding his way back to the off-license and back low, so Langdon went with him.

Our food came and Lad Boy started serving it to everyone. Langdon and Franz emerged shortly after with another bottle of vodka. ‘Three bottles. Aggressive.’ Lad Boy said.

‘Stick to the plan.’ Gunner said, and looked me in the eyes, making a V shape with his index and middle finger to point from his eyes to mine. Earlier in the line we had mutually agreed to get as drunk as possible, just because. We justified that it was in celebration of not seeing each other for a year.

I laughed and, indeed, stuck to the plan.

After eating, the boys all got up to go outside for a cigarette. I moved down the table and sat across from Kate in Langdon’s chair. ‘Franz is quite fit.’ She said.

‘I know.’ I agreed.

‘Langdon seems to be quite …’

‘Keen?’

‘Yes, but to everyone. He seems to flirt with you quite a bit.’

‘We’ve slept together.’

‘Oh!’ She said. ‘I had no idea.’

‘It’s no big deal, we’re not dating or anything. He’s a bit …’

‘Strange?’

‘Yes.’ We laughed.

‘Lad Boy is probably the hottest one here. Have the two of you never slept together?’

‘No.’ I said.

‘Really?’ She said, surprised. ‘I just thought because you guys are together all the time that something would have … happened.’

‘Nope. Never. We’re just friends.’

‘Well that’s fair enough.’

We looked out the window where the boys were standing, clearly talking about us from the way they kept glancing inside and then back to each other. ‘What do you think they’re talking about?’ Kate asked.

‘Who gets who.’ I joked.

She laughed. ‘Well you can have Langdon.’

‘Yeah, cheers for that.’ I said, sarcastically. ‘Too bad Gunner has a girlfriend. Though he’s more the kind of guy I would date rather than just pull randomly.’

‘He’s lovely.’ Kate nodded.

‘I do love Germans …’ Kate laughed. ‘I think it might be a bit awkward if I try to pull someone around Langdon … then again I’m quite sure he’s trying to pull you, so fair enough. But who wouldn’t try to pull you? You’re hot.’

She laughed. ‘Not going to happen.’

‘He’s not that great in bed anyway.’ She laughed again. ‘Nah, he’s alright.’

‘You sound very convincing.’ She said, shaking her head “no”.

We laughed and I moved back to my seat as the boys came back in. ‘What are you guys talking about?’ Lad Boy asked.

‘You guys.’ I said honestly. Why lie? “Shoes” would be a daft answer.

Everyone took their seats and we made our way through the rest of the vodka. I was engrossed in conversation with Franz, speaking what little German I did know, and as the restaurant was quite loud he was leaning in close and resting his elbow on my thigh. I knew at this point that I could more likely than not pull this German, and whilst he was arguably the fittest at the table, I wasn’t bothered enough to potentially make things quite awkward on whole. I turned to Gunner, including him once more in my conversation with Franz, and we started our drinking game again which we played until we ran out of vodka.

At this point, six mature people would turn to each other, have a think about the reality of sharing three bottles of vodka between six people, and usually call it a night. Five minutes later we were back in the off-license, agreeing that gin and tonics were the way forward. We returned to the restaurant and they agreed to let us have our table back if we ordered pudding. As the pudding sat uneaten in front of us (it looked grim) we all talked at each other loudly about nothing in particular. There was a lot of laughing, and more attempts at drinking games. Yes, we were those people.

We poured the rest of the gin into the bottle of tonic and Gunner put it in his rucksack. We all began walking back towards Lad Boy’s house when Gunner said, ‘I think I need to go home.’

‘What about the plan?’ I yelled.

‘I think we’ve seen the plan through. I am so drunk.’ He slurred.

‘Fair enough.’ We spent a couple of minutes fiddling around on my iPhone to figure out what bus-tube combination he needed to make it home.

‘Where’s Kate?’ Lad Boy asked suddenly.

We all looked up, and noticed that we were two men down. I heard Lad Boy start laughing and we all looked to where he was staring. Franz and Kate were necking like there was no tomorrow a ways back on the corner behind us.

‘And then there was four.’ I said.

‘Three.’ Gunner said, then hiccupped. ‘I’m leaving.’

‘Alright, mate.’ Lad Boy said giving him a hug.

I kissed him goodbye and then Lad Boy, Langdon and I made our way back towards Lad Boy’s. ‘Balls.’ Lad Boy announced. ‘Gunner has the gin.’

It was the kind of drinking, when once we had started there was no stopping. No, ‘Wow. I’ve had a lot,’ kind of thought process. Just a, ‘Wow! Drinking is so much fun! More!’ sort of thing happening. We would inevitably regret this. But at that point we made our fourth venture into the off-license and purchased another bottle of vodka which would pretty much go to waste in drinks we wouldn’t drink once back at his.

What we talked about, I don’t know. I just remember sitting in Lad Boy’s sitting room, next to Langdon, with Lad Boy passed out on the couch opposite to us. After failed attempts at waking him to get him to go to his bedroom we decided to leave him there.

‘Poor little lamb.’ I said, kissing him on the top of the head and putting a blanket over him.

I picked up some glasses and took them to the kitchen. As I put them on the counter I felt Langdon behind me. He put his hands on my waist and I turned around and we began kissing. This went on for approximately five to ten minutes before he suggested we have sex in the kitchen.

‘What? No!’ I said. ‘I eat in here.’

‘Come on!’

‘Not going to happen.’

‘You’re no fun.’ He said, lightly tapping me on the face in a mock slap. At the soberest of times I probably would have reacted the same way, which was to retaliate with a thunderclap-like smack to his face. He looked stunned for a moment. ‘What did you do that for?’

‘You hit me first.’

He thought for a moment, then shrugged and kissed me again. ‘Give me head.’

‘No.’ I replied immediately. ‘I only do that to people I actually like.’

I think I had pushed the being mean buttons a bit to far as he pulled away and just said, ‘Fine!’ Then stormed out.

I laughed at the dramatics of it all. I went back into the sitting room where Lad Boy looked like he was in the most uncomfortable sleeping position ever. I shook him a bit. ‘Sure you don’t want to go to your bed?’ He groaned. ‘I’ll sleep down here.’ I offered and he groaned again. ‘Suit yourself.’ I said, then went upstairs and collapsed into his bed.

At seven in the morning Lad Boy’s door burst open. He stood there for a moment, fully clothed, and then came in and collapsed next to me on top of the covers. We fell back asleep and about two hours later I heard a muffled, ‘What time is it?’ as Lad Boy groaned, face down in the pillow.

I looked at my watch. ‘Nine.’

A muffled ‘Shittttt.’ came from next to me and then the doorbell rang.

‘Go shower. I’ll get the door.’

‘Uh-huh.’ He mumbled.

I got up. I had only managed to get my shirt off, but still had the bottom half of my outfit and a bra on. I reached for the closest thing I could find, which was one of Lad Boy’s jumpers and put it on. I made it to the front door and opened it, wincing in the sunlight.

‘Halo!’ Franz said, cheerfully.

I laughed. ‘Why, hello. Wie gehts?’

He laughed. ‘Gut, danke.’

We went inside and I put the kettle on. Lad Boy emerged in the doorway of the kitchen as we were making coffee. ‘Mate.’ he said. ‘I. Feel. Rough.’

We laughed. ‘You look not so good.’ Franz said.

‘Where’d Langdon go?’ Lad Boy asked.

‘Home after I refused to have sex with him in the kitchen.’

Lad Boy laughed. ‘Lad.’

‘Lad indeed.’ I said, handing him a cup of coffee.

‘Cheers.’ He took a sip then turned to Franz and asked, ‘So how was your night?’

Franz smiled. ‘Zer gut.’ We all laughed. ‘I have to go to a meeting, so I will get my things from here and go.’ He announced.

‘Still on for lunch?’ Lad Boy asked.

‘Ya, that will be good.’

He left for a moment then re-emerged in the kitchen. ‘Auf wiedersehen, liebling’ I said.

He laughed. ‘Auf wiedersehen.’ He bent down and kissed me on both cheeks before saying, ‘And then one more,’ and kissing me on the first cheek again. ‘That is the German way.’

I laughed. ‘No, I think that’s just the Franz way.’

He winked at me and then went to say goodbye to Lad Boy before leaving. When the door closed Lad Boy looked at me. ‘I feel awful.’ He said, with sad eyes.

I laughed. ‘We drank so much last night.’

‘I think I need to quit drinking for awhile.’

‘Me too.’

‘Let’s do that.’

‘Let’s.’

‘Fuck. I need to get to work.’ He said, letting his head fall back and looking towards the ceiling in exasperation. He looked back at me. ‘Where’s your boyfriend? I thought he was coming over for breakfast.’

‘I don’t know. And he’s not my boyfriend.’

‘Whatever you say.’ He turned to go upstairs and changed as I tried to recall our breakfast plans conversation. Langdon was going to come over at nine because he had a meeting at work at eleven. I looked at my watch, it was quarter to ten. Lad Boy came sluggishly back down the stairs and into the kitchen. ‘Ready?’ He asked.

‘As ready as I’ll ever be.’ I grabbed my bag and pulled my sunnies out, putting them on before facing the great outdoors. We walked to the bus stop and his bus came first.

‘Bye.’ He said, sadly.

I laughed. ‘Cheer up!’ I kissed him goodbye and watched the bus go.

Mine came shortly afterwards. I got on and sat down. After thinking for a moment I rang Langdon. His phone was off. His flat was along this bus route and five minutes later I hopped off the bus and walked to his. I rang the bell and about thirty seconds later the front door buzzed. I opened it and headed to his door. I tried opening it but it was locked, so I knocked. After a minute of no answer I went back to the front door and held the buzzer for the better part of five seconds. ‘Wake. Up.’ I said, though it was unlikely he heard. The front door buzzed again and when I got to his flat he was standing in the doorway, half-asleep and half naked.

‘What?’ He moaned.

‘You missed our breakfast date.’ I said, following him inside.

‘What are you talking about? It’s like seven-thirty.’

‘It’s ten.’ I said, flatly.

‘What?’ He said, confused.

‘It is ten o’clock in the morning. You have to be at work in an hour. Get ready.’ I said matter-of-factly.

‘Shit.’ He said slowly.

I sat down on the couch and turned on the telly as he made his way around the flat, slowly getting ready. About ten minutes later he came in and went to the kitchen, which was attached to the sitting room. He took a carton of orange juice and started necking it. He put it down on the counter and announced. ‘Right. Let’s go.’

We walked out and towards the nearest underground station. The tube would get me to the railway station quicker so I forgot about the bus and carried on to the trains with Langdon.

‘Why did you storm off last night, drama queen?’ I asked.

‘Because you hit me, you muppet!’

‘Oh yeah.’ I said, having completely forgotten about the slap. ‘You hit me first though.’

‘Not hard!’

‘Whatever.’

‘And you wouldn’t have sex with me.’

‘Not in Lad Boy’s kitchen, no. That’s disgusting.’

‘Whatever.’ He said.

As we walked down the stairs I could hear a train approaching. We got onto the platform. ‘This one is mine.’ I said nonchalantly and walked onto the train. I stood against the opposite door, pulling my iPhone out. The doors closed and I could see Langdon sitting at a bench on his Blackberry. As the train slowly passed him he looked up. I put two fingers in the air and he started laughing. I smiled back and the train accelerated into the tunnel.